


tell me when you're here so i can kiss you

by ttacttac



Series: winkdeep against the world [1]
Category: Produce 101 (TV), Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Failed attempt at humor, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, bff!2park, failed meet-ups, first chapters aren't angsty so :), jihoon lives in a very old fashioned way, jinyoung is a smart ass kid albeit really shy, kinda playboy!jihoon too, mentions of suicide and self-harm, minor/major character deaths(?), nevertheless this will have a happy ending :), province boy!jihoon, seoul boy!baejin, tragedy(?), winkdeep conversing thru the phone
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-01
Updated: 2018-01-15
Packaged: 2019-01-27 21:59:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 23,842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12591428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ttacttac/pseuds/ttacttac
Summary: the first three meet-ups always turning into failures and the fourth (read: last) one realizing they should've just let themselves be consumed by mere oblivion#ifinallycameupadecentsummaryyay





	1. mr. lover boy, he thought

**Author's Note:**

> i don't know why i've... written winkdeep but here it goes. (also bc the winkdeep tag is dead and i've been reading nielwink more)

The high school entrance exams are pretty difficult, evidence of beads of sweat in the hundred students taking the test already says so. After all, their life depends on it. If they fail, they'll be thrown to a middle class high school and if they pass, they get to have the privileges only students of Jeo Ttac Supreme Science High School get.

Bae Jinyoung thinks the only exception, though, as traces of difficulties and doubts in his eyes can't be found at all. He's not much of a boastful person, but he thinks the exams are just a piece of cake and he may even finish it in a couple of minutes.

For once in his life, never has he ever doubt himself when it comes to academics. He's ranked #1 on his class years for 10 consecutive years already and even became the valedictorian for his primary and middle school graduation. No wonder this was only easy for him.

Jinyoung is a quiet person, having only himself and never joining in groups of friends that usually teenagers in his age are in. He's a bit introverted but, he's not one of those typical nerdy quiet geeks in American films people always see either. Well, Bae Jinyoung, he's more than that.

In fact, Jinyoung was one of the famous heartthrobs in his middle school days. Having such exceptional god-like looks, girls and boys here and then swoon over him, no doubt.

And if he isn't just too immense with the test questions, he would realize and feel the stares and secret glances some of the examinees in the same room are giving him.

A loud ringtone of a phone beeps out, causing shrieks of annoyance among the place. Jinyoung doesn't pay no heed as he dwells his attention to the questions infront of him. He can't just let himself get distracted.

The ringtone continues to ring in the test area, eventually catching everyone's attention until it reaches the teacher in-charge to facilitate the room. Said teacher stands up as he searches for the source of the sound before his eyes land on Jinyoung, who's taking the exam casually and without tension.

"Mr. Bae from seat 29, may you please go out for a moment to answer that call from your phone. I believe you're disturbing other examinees."

Jinyoung's surprised when he hears his surname being called. He looks away from the questionnaires and darts his eyes around everyone, the non-stop ringing of his ringtone serving as the background music at the moment.

"M-me?" Jinyoung stutters as he points himself.

The girls around him chuckle as they cover their mouth, finding Jinyoung too cute to handle and at the same time so goddamn irresistible. Classes for this year haven't yet started but he's catching these ladies's attention already, as always.

The teacher furrows his brows in amusement. "Yes, you. Hurry up, you're becoming a bother." he strictly orders before returning back on his seat.

Jinyoung quickly fishes his phone from his backpack and sees an unknown number calling. He mentally curses at his stupidity for not having his phone shut in silent mode and rushes his way outside, tripping himself at the entrance door on his way out, making some of the witnesses laugh. Jinyoung can't just get any unluckier now. He frowns.

He immediately walks his way at the back of the classroom and answers the phone call. It may be important so he can't just ignore this. Plus the exams still end in an hour and he's already halfway so he thinks this would be really quick.

"H-hello?" Jinyoung greets through the phone with a timid voice he always display around every stranger he speaks at.

"Oh gods! Finally, you freaking answered! I've been calling you for ages already!" the voice from the other line exclaims.

Jinyoung creases his brows in confusion. "Um, who is this?"

"Well, I called to get some piece of love advice from you, Mr. LoverBoy!" It answers.

"L-love advice? To me?"

Bewilderment, that's the main and first thing Jinyoung is feeling right now. Why would a stranger ask a love advice to him? It's not like he's experienced being in love already so he can't help this stranger.

At the back of his mind, he thinks this is just all a prank.

"H-how did you get my number?" he continues asking, fishing for more details from the person in the other line.

He can already hint annoyance from the stranger when it answers, "Dude, seriously? You're asking that? Your number is in the ad of a newspaper I found in the trash bin and since I'm having such complicated relationships with my two current girlfriends, I asked some help by calling your number because the ad says you'll give me some and this is what I get? Well then, okay!" the stranger rumbles and Jinyoung covers his ears in irritation.

The stranger talks too much and Jinyoung finds the voice very annoying to hear at. He then guesses it's a he, judging by its deep voice.

Jinyoung coughs before answering back. "I think you got the number entirely wrong, sir. I don't remember handing out my number to any publication company." he patiently answers.

He hears a loud laugh from the other line. "Are you kidding me now? Argh, either way, hey, can you still give me some love advice? I'm desperate please!" he hears the voice pleading as Jinyoung tries to bury the growing annoyance inside him. He's been outside for more than 10 minutes now and he's afraid he might not finish his exams in time.

"I'm so sorry as I know nothing about it nor even had the chance to experience it so if you do excuse me."

Jinyoung ends the call immediately and shuts his phone off before going back to the exams room and sit back on his own seat. He heaves out a sigh of relief as he goes on answering the questions in the test paper, drifting his thoughts away from the situation earlier to avoid distraction.

There's even barely a few minutes left before the time goes off and he panics. He's never panicked over an exam like this before and considering the cost of this is huge, it adds more fuel to his panicked state.

At last, the bell rings as the exams come into a halt. Jinyoung thinks he's done well and he finishes it smoothly. He stands up before snatching the questionnaire and his test sheet and giving those to the facilitator.

The male teacher gives him a look, remembering the minor chaos he caused earlier, and Jinyoung shivers at that. He turns his back on him and leaves the room immediately, contemplating it's better to go home now rather than staying here for a longer while.

 

* * *

 

"I'm here."

The whole Bae household is quiet, as usual, but Jinyoung still fails not to be surprised. He was used at the noisy chatters and squeals made by his parents when they cuddle each other but that was so last year's. Now, Jinyoung all has is his father trying his best to make them both some living.

"Jinyoung." his father greets, slightly messing up his hair. Jinyoung whines as he swats his father's hands away and enters the kitchen where his father is cooking for lunch.

"How was the exams?" his father asks as he marinates the meat carefully for the bibimbap they're having for lunch today.

Jinyoung washes his hands before helping his father cook. He gets the cucumber beside the sink and immediately starts slicing it into pieces.

"It's cool. I'm confident enough to pass in that school."

His father chuckles as he places the marinated beef on a plate before cooking soybean sprouts into a large pot.

"Keep on doing that, Jinyoung and make your mother proud."

Jinyoung only smiles before giving the sliced cucumbers to his father.

"Dad, have you bought kimchi already?"

His father shakes his head. "I forgot. Say, can you go out and buy two jars? Next time, remind me I have to make some."

"Well, that's a lot but sure and uh, okay. I'm going out now."

Jinyoung changes his shirt and pants first before heading outside to buy some kimchi. He doesn't like eating his meal without it and if anything, he prefers eating it with his rice over the delicious dishes his father cooks.

Don't get him wrong though, he loves his father's cooking the best but Jinyoung is just a kimchi kid at heart. He's even saddened at the fact that kids these days ignore the savory and spicy flavor that kimchi brings.

He enters a convenience store nearby his house with a ring of the chimes. He scans the whole area before eventually bringing himself in and walking straight to the place where jars of kimchi reside. He gives each row of the jars a look, contemplating which to take and buy. He ends up choosing the two in the middle before giving it to the cashier to pay it out.

Jinyoung goes out eventually, careful not to break the jars inside the plastic bag or he might end up crying. He walks past the alleyway he usually goes to as he turns to the left where his house dwells.

The whole neighborhood is peacefully quiet as the birds happily chirp from tree to tree. The heat of the sun scatters through out, giving a tinge of pink on Jinyoung's cheeks. He feels a sweat drip down and soak a part of his shirt and mentally curses for not bringing his favorite black bucket hat he got from his Minhyun hyung on his birthday last year.

A ring from his phone promptly beeps, stopping Jinyoung from his walk. He pulls out his phone from the pockets of his pants only to see the same number from recently. He mentally rolls his eyes as he answers the call, didn't want to come out rude.

"Hey!" the voice from the other line greets.

Jinyoung coughs. "What do you want this time?" he asks, voice laced with ill humor.

"Woah, woah. I haven't even started yet it already seems like you don't like me."

Rolling his eyes, Jinyoung leans his body against a large post behind him. "Hurry up as I'm also busy with something."

"Well, as you see, you were right! I got the phone number wrong so I'm apologizing if I've caused inconvenience to you earlier. It's never happening again."

Jinyoung nods, as if the person in the other line can see him.

"It's alright, you're forgiven. It's not much of a big deal."

He presses his eyes closed in dismay. Why is he giving the person fake reassurances that he hasn't caused way more inconvenience than what he thinks?

He hears the person beam in delight. "Oh yay! Thank goodness, I thought I'm gonna get paid for." the person exclaims. "Thank you, whoever you are. I'm Park Jihoon by the way and you are?"

"There's nothing much you need to know about me, Mr. Park Jihoon. Now, if you excuse me I'm ending this call and let's not call each other again."

"W-wait! Let's be friends andㅡ" Jinyoung hangs up, immediately blocking Jihoon's number from his sim card before putting his phone back on his pockets.

 

* * *

 

Jihoon dials the man's number numerous times through his grandmother's telephone but always ends up getting the same automated message.

_"The number you are calling is not available."_

"Argh!" he shouts in exasperation.

The man must have blocked their telephone number. Jihoon puffs in anger as he thinks the way he can do to contact the man again. Having only one telephone as a way of communication is so frustrating, and he regrets not coming to Seoul with his father where he believes there's even a better way of communication instead of the rotting telephone beside him.

Jihoon sits down in the couch as he rips the newspaper he got from the trash bin and throws it in the air. Mr. Lover Boy is useless for making him call the wrong number and not giving him any decent advice at all.

_"Hey, Mr. Lover Boy, finally I got the right number!"_

_"Yes? What kind of love problem do you have? You'll be charged 500 won per minute of the call."_

_"Oh, fuck you. Anyways, so I have these two girlfriends that are fighting_ _over me! Can you believe that?!"_

_"Uhuh,"_

_"And then, they're telling me that I only have to choose one of them like? I can't choose, I love them both so much okay? But they're so persistent so in the end I really have to choose one only."_

_"Can you describe them?"_

_"Well, my first girl is a goddess. She has straight, slick black hair with prominent nose and eyes and red, luscious lips. She's the pretty type but she's really whiny and clingy but that's okay. She's so dumb at school though, she always got the lowest rank."_

_"And then the second one?"_

_"The second one is not really special. She's ugly as hell I swear to the gods! She even has these pimples everywhere her face and it's disgusting! But she helps me in school and she's a smart ass kid. If I lose her, I'd say goodbye to school now. So who should I choose, Mr. Lover Boy?"_

_"I'd say... just fuck them both."_

_"What the? I'm into marriage before sex, Mr. Lover Boy."_

_"I'm sorry, I was just kidding. Anyways, that'll be 2,500 won."_

_"You haven't even given me any advice yet?"_

_"I did so pay up or I'll track your number."_

_What a day for getting scammed._

Jihoon ends up slumping himself off in the sofa in disappointment. He should've known better than to trust these so-called love experts.

Now, where can he borrow another family telephone again? Living in the outskirts of Korea sucks so bad he just wants to escape this place and follow his father to Seoul.

He immediately stands straight up when he thinks off another good idea.

_Woojin!_

With a wide grin on his face, Jihoon wears his flip flops as he heads outside to Woojin's house which is only beside theirs. He gives a loud knock on their fenced gate, calling Woojin's name loudly.

"Woojin-ah! Woojin-ah!"

Woojin's mom is the one who opened the gate for Jihoon, who is, fortunately doing some work in their garden. Probably, cutting the excess bushes, Jihoon guesses.

"Oh, Jihoon! Woojin's inside, come in." Woojin's mom greets him with a warm smile.

"Yes, thank you Mrs. Park! Say, can I also borrow your telephone?" Jihoon asks, crossing his fingers behind his back.

Woojin's mother nods with a smile. "Sure, you are always free here and welcome, Jihoon."

Jihoon hugs Woojin's mother in gratitude before eventually going inside his friend's house. He immediately sees Woojin watching some old movies in their small television, burying himself on the comforts of the sofa.

"Hey, Woojin!"

Woojin faces him with a bored look on his face while holding a carton of milk in his hand. "What brings you here?"

"I'm borrowing your family's telephone for a while, I'm calling a friend."

Woojin's brows raise at that. "Why not use your family's?"

"Well, my number got blocked so I'm using this instead." Woojin rolls his eyes at that as he diverts his attention back on the television, not wanting to entertain his friend.

"Yeah, well, whatever." he grumbles as he sips some milk from the carton.

Jihoon dials the man's phone number he's memorized at the back of his mind. He feels some sort of excitement and expectation inside him. He'll get to talk to the man again. He can't explain why he's like this though.

After a few rings, the man answers.

"H-hello?"

Jihoon chuckles at that. It's the same way the man had first answer his first call.

"Hey! It's Jihoon!" Jihoon greets.

He hears the man's breath hitched and he inwardly laughs.

"H-how didㅡ"

"I used another device to call you so yeah, here I am."

The man pauses for a little while before answering, "What do you want from me?" Jihoon can sense the same irritation in his voice.

"I just want us to be friends, it's that bad?"

"Yes, it is so goodㅡ"

"Wait!" Jihoon shouts, making Woojin to look at him with wide eyes. He tells him to be quiet as he's too immense with the movie he's watching. Jihoon mouths him an apology before facing the window facing against the telephone.

"What?"

"I'll treat you tomorrow if you want!"

"T-treat?" the man stutters, a hint of temptation laced in his voice.

_Gotcha!_

Jihoon is grinning so wide now, as if he hit the lotto. "Yes, my treat. I'm bringing you to a Kimchi store."

"W-wait, no. I don't even know you in the first place." the man immediately answers, causing Jihoon to frown.

He crosses his arm, squeezing the telephone between his cheeks and shoulders. He doesn't care if he looks like a weirdo right now.

"Didn't I already say I'm Park Jihoon?" he says.

"I didn't mean it like that. I-I just, can we please stop this? What if you're a person with bad intentions?"

Jihoon scoffs as he takes a seat on the couch. He twirls the cord of the telephone around his index finger as he crosses his legs.

"I'm not. I just want to be friends with you." Jihoon's voice slowly trails off. "I don't know your name though."

He hears a loud, defeated sigh from the other line and Jihoon can only grin in success. Maybe his persuading effect is working on the man now?

"F-fine, I'm Jinyoung."

Jihoon has his ears perk up at the name. It sounds pretty, just perfect. The name rings a bell on his ears, as if he wants to hear more and more of it.

"Jinyoung what?"

"Bae Jinyoung." Jinyoung answers, giving emphasis to his surname.

"Great! I love your name!"

Jinyoung ignores that.

"How old are you?"

Jihoon chuckles and he senses Woojin glancing at him, here and there, checking if his friend is still okay or he'll have to bring him to the nearest mental health facility soon.

"Not too fast, are we?"

He can feel Jinyoung rolling his eyes. "Just to check if you're a pedophile hunting for kids through the phone or something."

Jihoon doesn't even feel the least bit offended when he answers. "I'm 16, how about you?"

"I'm 15."

"Oh, we're almost the same age!" Jihoon squeals.

"Um, that's great. I'm hanging up now, though since I'm pretty busy so uh, good bye, Jihoon-ssi."

Jihoon scowls, doesn't like the way Jinyoung addresses him. At least, he wants to feel that he and Jinyoung are close already.

"Call me Jihoon hyung, Jinyoung-ie."

"W-what?"

"Ji-hoon h-yung, call me that." Jihoon says, pronouncing each syllable of his name longer.

He hears gulps from the other line, making him chortle in amusement. Jihoon guesses Jinyoung is flustered.

"O-okay, J-jihoon hyung. Goodbye,"

"Wait! We're friends now right?"

"Huh?"

"I ask if we're friends already?"

"Y-yeah?"

"Great! Okay, Jinyoung-ie, bye!"

And the line between them dies, but not the excitement Jihoon has been feeling ever since the call between him and Jinyoung started.

It's the first time he had a random call from a completely unknown stranger and the experience's quite great, if only Jinyoung didn't reject him from the start. Jinyoung's voice sounds so good thru the phone and he wonders how it'd sound like when he meets him in person? The excitement he feels inside burns even more.

 

Jihoon rushes to Woojin and gives him a tight hug, jumping up and down on the couch. Woojin tries to fight and make him go away as the milk from his carton fells off the couch, his pants getting wet in the process.

"What shit, Park Jihoon look what you've done."

But that didn't bother Jihoon at all even if his shirt is also soaked from the milk in Woojin's pants and all over his shirt. He continues to hug him as Woojin tries his best to resist.

"Jinyoung accepted my offer of friendship!"

Woojin has his brows creased, puzzled. "Jinyoung?"

"He's the one I've talked through the telephone."

Woojin's eyes widen. "What? Are you serious?"

Jihoon breaks off the hug as he sits beside Woojin on the small couch, practically squeezing themselves on it.

"Yep, he's so cute you see."

He receives an accusing glare from his friend. "Don't you dare touch him, Jihoon. I know you and your antics."

Jihoon only chuckles at that as he stands up.

"Sure." he answers with a smirk. Woojin continues to glare at him. "Okay, I'm going home now. Thanks for the time and the telephone."

Jihoon presses a kiss on Woojin's cheeks before heading outside, tripping in the entrance door as he does so. Woojin tries his best to hide his laughs but fails miserably. Jihoon doesn't look back anymore due to the embarrassment he feels. Sometimes, the coolest people can still become an embarrassment to themselves. 

Once Jihoon arrives at his house, the telephone in the living room is already ringing non-stop. He quickly answers it.

"Hey, this is Jinyoung. I've unblocked your number now." Jinyoung greets.

"Jinyoung-ie! Hey!" Jihoon greets back, a rush of thrill flowing through his veins.

"I only came to say, I sincerely thank you for the friendship you offered." the boy from the other line, says and Jihoon can hear the sincerity and heartfelt lying in his voice. He melts at that.

Jihoon didn't have the chance to respond when the line between them eventually dies and the unusual skipping beats and deafening silence are surrounding him in a flash, he doesn't know what to feel right at that exact moment.


	2. recuedo reprimido

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey! i tried writing this chapter in the middle of exams so it's crappy and soggy as it can get (since when did my writing make sense anw). also i really wanted to add more scenes but my brain cant squeeze ideas anymore so here it goes u__u
> 
> this is kind of a character development/introduction chapter(?) or a filler one? Bc it doesn't even flow to the plot im sorry T_T and im not satisfied with this at all.

Fire.

Jinyoung sees nothing but the fire surrounding him, slowly consuming his room whole and turning it into pits of ashes. His heart is suddenly somewhat filled akin to fear, but he's aware it's greater and much more intense than that.

He tries to find the exit inside his room but his bubble of hopes burst down when he sees his door being smothered by the flames. He panics, his heart pounding faster than it ever has in his whole life. Will he die right here? Is this already his time?

Jinyoung shakes his head. He can't die here, he knows his family still needs him and it's such a shame he's done nothing in this world for his 14 years of existence. He wants to do more, to live more for his life and the people around him. He has to survive somehow.

Looking around the entire area being eaten by the flames, he searches for an alternative exit. He spots the window near his flaming computer set with no signs of sparks and flames and hastily walks his way for escape. Hope comes back to him like a boomerang, as his feet greedily moves to the windows. He hoists his right feet up, climbing through the window when a growl of flame suddenly appears, burning the skin of his right thigh. He withdraws his right leg back in an instinct as he arches in pain.

He holds his burnt leg through his shoulders, thinking the pain would lessen even a little. He cries as he slowly stands himself up, not wanting to give up. Again, he lifts his right leg up as an attempt to escape following his whole body and then his right leg.

He looks down on the ground as he estimates the vertical distance he'll fall off and the impact it would cause. Luckily, their house has only two floors so he isn't that far from the ground. Jinyoung presses his eyes close as he prepares himself for the impact coming for him. He breathes in and out before letting his body fall on the ground, on the bushes to be exact.

Jinyoung feels an excruciating pain on his back but he doesn't mind as he stands himself up, limping as he does. He sees half of the house already covered with flames, making his eyes widen in terror.

He calls for help, knocking through the neighbor's doors in the middle of their naps. They eventually wake up, eyes frightened when they witness the Bae's household on fire. They immediately help the poor 14 year-old kid, calling for the fire station to come by quickly.

"M-my parents," Jinyoung stutters as he's almost out of breath. "They're still inside!"

Jaehwan, if Jinyoung remembers his name correctly, holds both of his shoulders with his hands. "Look Jinyoung, just stay here okay? We're gonna get your parents out of your house soon." Jaehwan assures him as he stares at the younger's eyes.

Jinyoung shakes his head. "N-no, I'm coming with you. I want to save my parents." he says, trying his best to put up a strong façade. The determination in his eyes is strong and Jaehwan doesn't fail to see it. However, that doesn't change his mind.

"Kid, listen, you're injured. You might just get in trouble." Jaehwan continues to insist.

"Butㅡ"

Jaehwan stares at his eyes once again, indirectly telling him that he should follow what he says.

"Jinyoung, please? This is for your parents, so please."

Jinyoung can tell Jaehwan is already pleading for him to stay out of it. Heaving out a sigh of defeat, he drops down on the ground, eyes immediately fixed at it.

"I-I'll wait." he says before looking up at Jaehwan once again. "Please do everything as you can to make them sure they're okay, please." he begs, as if it's his life being spared. But it makes no much difference though, as he knew he loves his parents as much as his dear life, or even more than that.

A part of the house bursts into flames, making some people scream in surprise and fear. Jinyoung flinches in shock, as his heart pounds so fast he feels like it's ripping his ribcage off. Jaehwan hastily nods before turning his back on him and running into the house.

"I'm going now, Jinyoung. Stay here."

"Please be okay too Jaehwan-ssi!" Jinyoung shouts as he sees Jaehwan fading into his view and he hopes the man heard him.

A few minutes pass and firetrucks with loud sirens already fly over the place. The firemen go down from each truck, some carrying water hoses and/or ropes in their hands and shoulders. Jinyoung goes near one of the fireman passing by him and clutches his arms.

Jinyoung notices the name patch on the fireman's name.  _Jung S._

"P-please, save my parents, Mr. Jung. They're inside."

Sewoon nods. "Just stay here, kid. It'll be too dangerous for you to go in."

Jinyoung can only nod as he sees Sewoon's back turning on him, walking together with his fellow firemen to kill the flames down and save his parents inside.

When he sees no miracle happening within the next few minutes, he knows he has to let himself make it happen. He observes his surroundings, his neighbor busy looking and worrying over the burning house, not even taking a glance at him. He clutches the grass beneath him, as if gaining some courage through it before standing up and running towards the main entrance door. He hears some people shouting at him not to go inside but he plays like he hears nothing.

He successfully gets in and the living room isn't still much ruined, except for the few dusts and ashes scattered throughout the tiled floors. He looks up at the staircase where the flames usually are before climbing up. This is dangerous as hell, he knows but he has no choice, he can't just stay outside and wait for the news. He has to do something.

There are firemen around him but he doesn't let himself get discovered as he disguises himself through the smokes. Covering his nose, Jinyoung goes to the right way where he hears shouts of help. It's probably his parents already.

Jaehwan, together with the fireman, Sewoon, is the first thing Jinyoung sees when he walks near his parents's room. They're trying to break the door with the other firemen since it's locked inside and God knows why his parents can't unlock the door by themselves.

"J-just, please hang in there. We're coming!" Jaehwan shouts.

Jinyoung can't stop himself but to rush near them. "M-mom! Dad!" he cries and he hears amounts of curses.

"J-jinyoung!" he hears his mother call for him.

"Son, stay out of here please. Go outside!" his father orders him, making him shake his head.

"No! I'm not gonna leave you alone!"

It was Jaehwan's turn to speak at him. "Jinyoung, what the hell are you doing here? I told you to stay outside!"

Sewoon doesn't mind him as he silently tries to hack the doorknob. With only few tries, he successfully opens it with his screwdriver.

"Hey, it's open. Let's go in."

Jaehwan holds Jinyoung by the wrist as they kick the door open, revealing the fires surrounding his parents's room. There are a lot, and Jinyoung's heart pounds in fear as he tries not to mind it. They can't cross immediately at this rate no matter how much fire extinguishers they brought.

Jinyoung hears loud coughs from the other side and he knows it comes from his mother. His mother has a very weak heart and to expose her at dangerous conditions like these would cause her serious health problems that may eventually lead to death. His heart drops at that, thinking they should move faster for the sake of his mother's health and condition, as well as his father's.

"P-please, can we get them faster? M-my mother, she can't be exposed..." his voice trails off, fingers shaking as he steals a fire extinguisher from Sewoon's hold and starts extinguishing the whole place immediately. The adults immediately stop him, trying to calm him down and telling him they're doing their best too.

His parents tell him not to act recklessly and assure him they're going to be safe. Jinyoung calms at that, trusting their own words.

He hears another series of coughs, louder than the previous ones. "M-mom, are you okay?"

"I-I'm okay." his mother answers between coughs.

The ceiling suddenly starts giving up, the walls crumble as debris falls down on them. They try to dodge the falling particles but Jinyoung's too unfortunate, a large block of wood falls down, hitting him square in the head. His head throbs in pain as he collapses on the ground, blood starts gushing over.

He sees Jaehwan coming near him, cursing profanities as he aids him some help. He feels himself being carried away before everything goes pitch black.

Jinyoung wakes up 3 days after, his head wrapped in bandages from the severe head injury he got. His whole body is aching, even with the amounts of anesthesia put on him. He sees bandages all over his body and he guesses it's all the burns he got from escaping his room that night.

But the pain he's feeling is nothing comparable to the torture his heart feels the moment he finds out his mother died from smoke inhalation, and Jinyoung knows it's all his fault.

 

* * *

 

A buzz.

Jinyoung wakes up from his dream, his chest rising up and down as he heaves for his breath. He touches his cheeks only to find it wet with tears. He can't believe he dreamed about it again, the past haunting him down.

No one can ever blame anyone but him. He was the cause of it all, he was the one who created the fire and no one else. He was the one who killed his mother and he abhors himself for it.

Another buzz.

Jinyoung sees his phone beside his bed ringing, vibrating through the rough surface of his side table. He wipes his tears away as he picks the phone up, seeing Jihoon's name on the screen, calling. He gulps involuntarily as he coughs, wanting to clear his voice first before answering.

"Good morning!" he hears Jihoon greet him cheerfully.

"Y-yeah, good morning." he answers, voice low and he doesn't expect for it to crack. Jihoon suddenly suspects him.

"Hey, were you crying?" Jihoon asks him, his voice wrap of heedfulness.

Jinyoung immediately shakes his head, as if Jihoon can see him. "No, I'm not. I'm okay." he denies, sniffing his nose.

"No, you are." Jihoon's voice is firm, trying to catch his lies. "Look, Jinyoung, we might have just been friends for a day but I don't give a damn about that. All I want is that, if my friend's having a problem of his own, I'm always open ears. So don't hesitate telling me about it okay?"

"I..."

Speechless of Jihoon's words, Jinyoung seems to sense the sudden gush of overwhelming warmth in his heart. For once in his life, he's never had a friend to tell him these, to give him assurances and make him feel that he's not alone. He's aware that they've roughly known each other for a day and he still considers Jihoon a stranger. But he doesn't know why he feels a wash of serenity, cleansing his heart whole and fading his worries and traumas away.

Indeed, Park Jihoon fell from heaven, to him at least. No one has ever offered friendship to him in his whole life, only the ones who want to befriend him for bad and unnecessary intentions. Most boys way back his middle school want to hang out with him just because he's quite popular among the girls or his classmates would just talk to him because well, he's a genius after all and they'd want to suck some answers from him.

Never once he's had someone offer a genuine friendship to him but Park Jihoon. Jinyoung hopes Jihoon is a true friend albeit they only talk through the phone.

He hears coughs from the other line and he guesses Jihoon suddenly got shy. "I, uh, well j-just tell me your worries okay? I understand if you still don't want to open up to me but as much as possible, I want to lessen your troubles."

Jinyoung softly chuckles, one would find cute and make him a baby. "You're so cheesy hyung." he teases, slight crinkles of his eyes displaying as his mouth curves upward.

"I'm not!" Jihoon quickly denies. His voice suddenly becomes mild. "I knew I shouldn't have said those. I've never even told Woojin things like these."

"Really? I must be special then." Jinyoung continues to tease.

"Whatever, brat. Anyways, I only called to greet you good morning and not for this dramatic shit you threw at me."

Jinyoung rolls his eyes, feeling better now. He thinks he's forgotten about his dreams already in an instant. All thanks to Park Jihoon?

"Yeah, yeah. Whatever."

They share silence momentarily before Jinyoung calls Jihoon's name again.

"Hyung."

Jihoon hums. "Hmm?"

"I just had a bad dream."

He hears Jihoon shifting his position, as squeaks of the couch and the rough friction between Jihoon's body and the skin of the couch can be heard. He knows Jihoon will listen to him attentively and he's never appreciated someone who'd take some time for him.

"You sure to tell me?" Jihoon asks.

Jinyoung lets out a whiff of affirmation in his voice. "Yes, I'm sure. You're reliable right?"

"You can count on me, Bae Jinyoung. Your secret is safe with me."

For the past 10 minutes, it was only Jinyoung who talked throughout their conversation, telling Jihoon his bad dream and awful traumatic experience last year. He never told him though that he was the one who caused the fire, who left the stove on fire and forgetting to switch the gasoline off. Jinyoung never knew about this until the investigation. His father never resented nor blamed him about it though, making him feel guiltier.

"I hope your okay now, Jinyoung and cheer up! There's still like a hundred reasons to look forward for. Look at me, still alive and kicking even with the unstable connection and electricity supply cut off here." Jihoon tries to throw in a joke.

Jinyoung laughs at that, covering his mouth as he does. His eyes crinkle more, indicating that he's gotten much more okay now than earlier.

"Where do you live hyung?"

"I live in Sinan, in South Jeolla, like literally outside of Korea so it kind of sucks living here. What about you?"

"I just, live in Seoul..."

He hears a gasp coming from the other line and he quietly chortles at that.

"Y-you're from Seoul?! That's awesome! I've always wanted to go there!" Jihoon exclaims, a dash of excitement and overwhelm in his voice.

"May I ask why?" Jinyoung curiously asks as he sits down on his bed.

It's 8 o'clock in the morning now but his father wouldn't mind if he goes out of his room this late. Plus, his father might be out already because of his job as a head chef in a 5-star restaurant.

The sunlight is already illuminating through the fabrics of his curtain and his glass windows, making him gone blind from the light. He stands up, phone on his ears, opening the curtains to let the sun shine through his room.

He hears a hum coming from Jihoon. "Well, I've always heard a lot of things about Seoul. Like how there are a lot of buildings in there, many cars, with busy people and streets. I've also heard about amazing cuisines and street foods there too! While here, the smell of the sea annoys me already." Jihoon complains as he pinches his nose before freeing an infectious laugh afterwards.

Jinyoung joins him as he finds his hyung's story amusing.

"I think the opposite though." Jinyoung answers.

"Why?"

"Well, I've lived my whole life here in Seoul and I'm already getting sick of it. I just... want to explore more."

"But, why? It's lifeless here, really."

Jinyoung shakes his head. "I don't think so. I think... it's fun there."

They fall in silence for a second, slightly adjusting to their different opinions. Jihoon gives out a sigh.

"Do you want to come here?"

Jinyoung gets startled at that and he thinks he's overreacting these days.

"I'd love to, honestly. But I don't have much free time to go there." he answers, a pinch of sadness in his voice.

Jihoon beams. "Just tell me when you have the time already, okay? I'd gladly love to tour you around!"

Jinyoung smiles, brighter than he has ever done in his life. "Really? Then that's the time we'll meet each other?"

"Hopefully."

"Th-then I'll look forward for that day then."

Jihoon squeals like a child, making Jinyoung chuckle for the nth time of the day. "Sure! Sure! Oh gods, I don't know why I feel so excited at the thought of meeting you someday."

Jinyoung suddenly loves how vocal Jihoon is on his feelings. "Yeah, me too."

_"Jihoon! Park Jihoon!"_

Jinyoung hears someone calling for Jihoon on the other line. He silently listens.

"Oh shit, gotta go, Jinyoung. I'm sorry!" Jihoon rushes to say.

"Who's that?"

"It's one of my girlfriends." Jihoon answers as if it was nothing. Jinyoung fails to not get surprised, even though he knows about it already.

"Um, okay then." he awkwardly responds. "Goodbye, I'm gonna eat my breakfast."

"Okay! Have a good meal, Jinyoung-ie. Bye!"

The line between them dies, leaving Jinyoung alone in his small quiet room, smiling like an idiot.

 

* * *

 

_"Fuck this hag, thanks for ruining our conversation."_

"Jihoon! Where are you?! Don't dare hide from me!"

Jihoon presses his eyes closed in annoyance as he stops his will to strangle his whiny girlfriend. He regrets not breaking up with her soon.

He goes out of his room to meet her outside. The _fucking_ girl doesn't even have any manners as she just loudly barks as if it's her tree, merely causing a scene outside. What if his grandmother wakes up? He'd be dead for sure.

"The hell you want?" he asks, voice hostile.

Doyeon grumbles in annoyance, glaring at Jihoon crossed-arms. "Leave that nerdy girl alone already, Jihoon! Or else I'm breaking up with you."

Jihoon rolls his eyes as he leans his back against the wooden gate.

"Go ahead, Yoojung's more useful than you anyway." he smirks before shutting the gate close.

He hears Doyeon screaming profanities at him and telling him she's going to sell his soul to the devil. Jihoon just has his poker face on as he goes inside. Doyeon will leave soon, he hopes.

Jihoon doesn't expect to see his grandmother already awake inside, sipping a cup of coffee. He gulps, did Doyeon's mess made her wake up?

"Jihoon." his grandmother firmly calls his name. He goes near as he spots the white envelope in her hands. His brows raise at that.

"What's that?" he asks, pointing the envelope.

His grandmother smiles fondly as she hands it to him. "It's from your mother, she says it's your monthly allowㅡ"

Jihoon drops the white envelope as fast as his instincts does. The last thing he'd want to do in this world is to acknowledge every little thing from his mother.

"Keep that," he says in a harsh tone. "Or better yet bring that back to her. I don't need it. I'll just head outside."

He leaves his grandmother alone, dumbfounded as he rushes his way outside of their house, pools of tears start brimming at the crook of his eyes. He starts running away from home, not knowing where to go just as long as he's far away from the ugly remnants of his mother.

He misses Jinyoung's calls for the first time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as ive said earlier, this is bad lol i'll try to write a better one after exams (which end in 3 days) so next update MAY take one week and so....
> 
> sorz i talk a lot. comments and kudos are appreciated!! <3
> 
> p.s. updated today bc winkdeep happened yesterday uwu


	3. ttac-ie!

_When you wait for someone that you love, you suffer. The pain and longing you feel, the doubts and anxiety carelessly running through your head, and the trap that's behind for you to wait, to hold on, aimlessly impaled through your soul._   _But you stay still because, you know it's going to be worth it._

_They always wait for each other, like those two lovestruck fools in fairytales wanting to risk all they have just so they can be together. Waiting is a sort of commitment you embody naturally but to them, it's more than that._

_There were things they'd have to overcome, things that need of silent battles and cries inside their hearts._

_Only did they have realized that some things... aren't worth fighting for at all. Things that, they have nothing against at especially if destiny's the mastermind behind it._

Minhyun's grandfather has his eyes gaze off at the roses planted in the gardens when he hears the gate of his house creaking open. He sees Minhyun outside, coming in with a boy beside him. His eyes glow of curiosity as he observes the boy's tall, slim figure possessing a unique kind of face ㅡ in a good way. However, his face is incredulously small, the beans in his bowl of tropical fruit salad are almost put to shame. He harshly clicks his tongue in amusement.

Minhyun spots him by the windows and sees his grandson waving at him. The small-faced boy also acknowledges his presence, bowing a degree of 90. He waves back at them as he stands up, getting his walking cane on top of the table beside him before opening the door for them to get in.

"Grandfather!" Minhyun greets as he pecks a kiss on his grandfather's cheeks, making the elder chuckle.

Jinyoung quickly scoots himself in and gives Minhyun's grandfather another bow again. He receives a pat on his head as he bows, making him smile a little.

"Grandfather, I hope you don't mind my kid here spending in our house for a little." Minhyun says as he chuckles. Jinyoung has his face flushed red at that. He never likes being called kid at all.

He'd like to whine about that but not infront of Minhyun's grandfather. It's really a shame to do so, at least for him.

Eventually, Minhyun's grandfather lets them off with a kind nod. Jinyoung feels being dragged by Minhyun all the way to their family library, only to see the ever-so quiet and reserved Kim Jonghyun sitting on one of the chair. There are books laid on the table, the other one being used by Jonghyun. His lips twitch as his eyes are focused on the text he's reading, seemingly finding it interesting.

Both Jonghyun and Jinyoung are geniuses of their own but  Jinyoung knows he can't compete with someone like him. Jonghyun is well, a greater version of him, having to achieve doctoral degree in such short years and having been offered a job in Physchology in America right away. Jonghyun knew he had to take that chance and until now, he's still been working smoothly even if he's travelling back and forth from America to Korea just to visit his family and his boyfriend, Minhyun, from time to time.

Jinyoung wonders if Minhyun ever has plans on following his boyfriend. Wouldn't it be more convenient if they're together?

He had tried talking with Minhyun about it one day but his hyung refused, saying he has to take care of his grandfather's health, not just as a loving grandson but also as a doctor, ready to serve anyone in need.

"Hey." Minhyun calls as he sits beside Jonghyun, immediately slinging his arm around his shoulders.

Jinyoung observes Jonghyun's sudden flinch when their skin touched. Jonghyun looks up and sees Minhyun before his eyes land on Jinyoung. He gives the boy a smile as he pats the vacant seat beside him.

"Sit here, Jinyoung."

Jinyoung immediately follows him, pulling the chair before taking a seat. He hears Minhyun whine, making him chuckle lightly.

"No way you're ignoring me just like that!"

A slight slip of the tongue has Jonghyun let out as he receives playful punches from Minhyun. He ignores it as he turns another page of the book he's reading.

"So you entered Jeo Ttac?" Jonghyun asks as he doesn't get rid of his eyes from the book. Minhyun quietly stands up as he gets a book for himself also. Luckily, Jinyoung already has his own.

Stopping himself from flipping another page, Jinyoung nods as he looks at Jonghyun beside him. "I did, hyung, as you said. Though, the entrance exams results aren't out yet, I'm pretty sure I'll get in."

Jonghyun looks back at him, a proud smile bashed on his face. "I like your confidence, kid." he answers, ruffling the younger's hair. Jinyoung doesn't whine at that, even leaning more on to the touch.

Jonghyun is Jinyoung's favorite hyung. He looks up to him like those stars in the night sky he so badly want to reach but are unreachable. He's Jinyoung's idol, he wants to be as intelligent as him, as quiet yet as affectionate as him, as warm and as pure as him.

Jinyoung indulges himself with the Algebra textbook infront of him after that. They're both quiet so it's not a surprise they don't talk to each other that much. However, they're still comfortable with each other, only preferring to let their minds speak and not their mouths.

But whenever Minhyun comes, the atmosphere shifts into 180 degrees. From the icy unbreakable silence comes the pits of laughters, mostly done by Minhyun. Minhyun is so talkative, that has Jinyoung's ears covered with his hands. Sometimes he'd just pressed his eyes closed in annoyance as he studies, Jonghyun seeming not to mind as he's used already.

Though, there can be instances when Jonghyun's had enough he covers Minhyun's mouth with his palm. Minhyun would shut up and that's the only time Jinyoung can breath properly.

Jinyoung would tell all those things to Jihoon as the latter asked his day and Jinyoung is just nice and is feeling good enough to answer so he did.

"Oh god! Really? He did that?  They're really cute friends!" Jihoon exclaims as he laughs way too hard he's afraid his stomach would hurt.

"They're not just friends though, they're boyfriends." Jinyoung corrects as he stirs the chocolate powder drink on his cup.

The laughs die down in an instant, replacing a calm yet an uncanny silence on the other line. He wonders what happened to Jihoon? Did he say something wrong?

He re-thinks back to the words he had said before coming into a conclusion, that he hadn't said something offending.

"B-boyfriends? That's weird." Jihoon comments and Jinyoung suddenly doesn't even know how to react at that.

His brows are furrowed into blatant confusion as his lips protrude on his face. "How's that weird?" he asks, not intentionally letting Jihoon know how he disliked what his hyung said.

Jihoon takes note of that tone, making him deny something that Jinyoung might have misunderstand.

"I m-mean! I don't have any grudges against people who are homosexual it's just- I've never seen anyone here that likes the same gender as them so... And also I thought it's kind of prohibited?"

Jihoon's words seem to draw confusion on Jinyoung more. He asks at the back of his mind what world is Jihoon living in that he doesn't know, or his place at least, such things as homosexual relationships and the likes are warmly accepted to the world now?

Even he, himself, is a bisexual (he just knows he is one) so he feels the slightest pinch of hurt in his heart when he finds out that there are still people out there who aren't aware of  _them_ and are still calling it  _weird._

"Hey! Jinyoung! Did I offend you or something? I'm sorry! It wasn't really my intention." Jihoon speaks from the other line, frightened at the fact that he might have offended him in some way judging from the younger's sudden silence.

Jinyoung shakes his head at that, trying to put up a small smile on his face. "It's okay. No need to worry, hyung. Just, being homosexual isn't weird, okay?"

Jihoon puffs out a heavy breath, as what Jinyoung hears and thinks from the other line. "Okay, Jinyoung. I understand! I'm really sorry if I said something offending."

"Can I ask though?" Jihoon says.

"About what?"

There's some hesitation before Jihoon finally speaks up again. "About your real sexuality?"

"I'm bi." Jinyoung simply answers. He doesn't expect for Jihoon not to get it, though.

"You're what?"

Jinyoung sighs, sipping from the now cold chocolate drink placed on the sink of their kitchen, already forgotten by its owner.

"I'm bisexual."

"Oh... that's nice then." He hears some fidgets from the other line and he guesses it's Jihoon's nails, cutely being bitten by Jihoon himself. "Can I ask again?"

"Go on." Jinyoung answers smoothlyㅡor tries to play it smoothly because actually, he feels a bit scared at the next question Jihoon might ask. Asking about his sexuality was just something really... unexpected. Asking another one closely related to it is another thing.

"Have you, say, ever liked someone? You know because how can you determine you're a bi if you haven't right?"

Jinyoung stops on his tracks because of that, delaying his lips from sipping the chocolate drink on his hand. The question Jihoon throws him catches him off guard. He puts the nervousness he's feeling aside before answering it simply. Heck, he doesn't even know why he should be nervous at this.

"I did, only girls though."  _And that was a few years ago,_  Jinyoung wants to add.

"So how did you know your bisexual then if you only liked girls in the past?"

Jinyoung has his face beeting in red so much from embarrassment. Should he tell Jihoon? Things might just get awkward and he's not so open about "these" things about himself.

"I'm sorry, am I already invading your personal life too much?"

Jinyoung immediately shakes his head at that, "N-no, you're not!" and regrets it so soon, receiving some mental curses from himself. It's so weird for him but he feels like there's something in Jihoon that he can't just deny him ans his questions.

"I-uhh," he stutters, not knowing how to explain the real reason to Jihoon without embarrassing his self in the process. "Well, I s-saw two of my male c-classmates back in middle school kiss-ing... with th-their tongues a-and-uhh, I just I-"

"You find it so damn hot you started masturbating at the thought of it? Hm?" Jihoon quickly teases. Jinyoung's face falls over how accurate Jihoon is.

He feels so embarrassed at himself, he doesn't know how the hell he even had the guts to tell all those to Jihoon, to the person he hasn't even met yet. Jinyoung feels like he made his walls so easily be climbed to reveal all these things to him.

He hears a "ttac, ttac" from the other line, he guesses Jihoon's tongue is responsible of it indicating that he is probably teasing him. Sometimes, it seems really funny to him how he can just straightly guess the events, from the tiniest to the exaggerated ones, folding from the other line, suddenly imagining what the speaker (or Jihoon, in this and his only case) must be doing as they pick up his call.

"My, my! Our Ttac-ie boy isn't innocent at all than I thought he is." Jihoon teases, making Jinyoung's ears fume in red because of the new nickname Jihoon gave him and not for the words he said. (Okay, maybe only 10% of that)

"Ttac-ie...?" he asks, voice trailing off.

"Yep!" Jihoon answers cheerfully, popping the 'p' out. "Don't you realize you seem to 'ttac-ed' a lot during our conversations?"

"N-no..." Jinyoung honestly answers.

He hears Jihoon chuckle. "Sometimes I doubt what you're saying that you're a genius and all, is true. Your sometimes dumb, no offense Ttac-ie."

Jinyoung puffs out a breath of annoyance, face semi-scowling at Jihoon's implication. "Stop with the Ttac-ie, already." he begs but comes off a whine to Jihoon instead.

"Whatever, Ttac-ie!"

And Jinyoung hears Jihoon saying child-like mantras from the other line, ones that usually children use when they provoke their enemies. He guesses, once again, that Jihoon has his tongue stuck out as he does it, trying to annoy the hell out of Jinyoung.

"Stop that, Jihoon hyung." Jinyoung's voice is firm, drip of seriousness in it.

"Ble! Ble! Ble! Ble! Ble!"

"Stop."

"Ttac-ie! Ttac-ie! Ttac-ie! Ttac-ie! Ttac-ie!"

"Stop."

"Jinyoung-ie! Jinyoung-ie! Jinyoung-ie! Jinyoung-ie! Jinyoㅡ"

"Stop or else I'm gonna kiss you."

Silence.

Jihoon stops teasing him and he doesn't know if he should feel thankful for that or be embarrassed about what he had just told his hyung. He didn't mean it, he swears to the gods, but there's no more taking back now.

A sudden boisterous, feverish laugh booms out, making Jinyoung startle in shock. Jihoon's laugh is so loud from his phone's speakers it echoes throughout his whole room. He's afraid his father might hear it.

"You want to kiss me?ㅡ"

"ㅡNo it's not like that, Iㅡ"

"ㅡThen go, Ttac-ie, please do. I'm hell as straight as a ruler but I'm willing to bend if it's you."

 

* * *

 

Jinyoung wakes up first thing in the morning hearing the loud ringing of his phone. He mentally  curses as Jihoon decides to disturb his sleep once again. He gets his phone from his side table and immediately answers the call.

"Hello?" he answers wearing his bed voice.

"Ttac-ie! Ttac-ie! Wake up now and switch your tv to channel 5! Park Jeojang's drama is airing! I want you to see his face!"

Jinyoung scratches his head in annoyance as he chooses to ignore him, burying himself more on to the comforts of his pillow. The slight cold his pillow brings and the warmth his blanket provides almost drag him back to dreamland if only Jihoon didn't shout right at his ears.

"TTAC-IE YAH! ARE YOU LISTENING?!"

Jinyoung sprints out of the bed in shock and falls right after, bumping his head against the tiled floors of his room. He moans in pain, making Jihoon shriek in concern.

"Hey, are you okay?"

"What the fuck, hyung. That hurts." he says. He stands up before heading to the bathroom, bringing his cellphone along.

He rinses the part, where his head bumped, with water as to relieve the pain.

"Ep, I'm really sorry Jinyoung. That wasn't my intention! But you gotta hurry up now, the drama's finishing soon and you won't see Park Jeojang's handsomeness for another week again!" Jihoon mocks out cries, trying to convince Jinyoung to hurry the fuck up.

Jinyoung asked for it, he gets it.

It's been two weeks since Jinyoung and Jihoon had started talking through the phone and it's normal to be curious about each otherㅡhow they live, what are their likes and dislikes, how do they look like and such.

Today was no exception of revealing their details to each other. Jinyoung asked how Jihoon looks like and Jihoon gladly answered.

"I look like Park Jeojang from the drama,  _"We Can Never Feel," ._ Like seriously, I look like a carbon copy of him!"

Jinyoung asked him why can't he just send a pic of him and Jihoon denies, saying they don't have any cameras at all. Jihoon's life is too hard and uncivilized that Jihoon doesn't even know what Facebook, Twitter, and other social media platforms are.

So here he is now, dragging himself out of his room, hair unruly and still in  _bed-style_ as he's only wearing his Hello Kitty-printed boxers (given by Minhyun, which at first, Jinyoung didn't want to wear but he loves Minhyun anyway so he gave in) and a plain white sando shirt. He turns the lights on since it's only freaking 5 in the morning and he wonders how does Jihoon manage to wake up this early? He will never know.

The next thing he turns on is their tv, grabbing the remote control from the cupboard above the tv set. He turns it to channel 5 and only sees a survival show program of 101 trainees in it and not the drama Jihoon told.

"So did you see it?"

"No, I didn't. All I see is this survival show, nothing else." Jinyoung complains and whines, out of his lack of sleep.

Jihoon stays silent for a while before he realizes something.

"Oh! Maybe we just have different cables, right? Say, can you find the WinkDeep TV Channel? The drama airs there."

Jinyoung stifles out a yawn, covering his mouth with his hand as he does before switching channels here and there, finding where that WinkDeep TV his hyung is talking about.

Heck, he doesn't even know why he's doing this, obeying Jihoon like a lost puppy, his hyung as his master.

He doesn't stop browsing through the channels until it reaches the last oneㅡthere was no WinkDeep TV channel that could be found. He tells Jihoon about this.

"That's a bummer." There is sadness and disappointment on Jihoon's voice and Jinyoung feels that too. The thought of already having a hint of Jihoon's appearance vanished like fire in the matchsticks.

"Don't worry, hyung. I'll just search for it through the internet I guess."

"Internet? I don't know how that works though but I'm trusting that internet thingy." Jihoon honestly answers. "Okay, Ttac-ie, I'm hanging up now. Woojin and I are going out together with some of my friends for a jog."

Jinyoung nods. "Okay, Jihoon hyung, take care." he formally says and he hopes he doesn't come out suspicious or anything to Jihoon.

Jihoon leaves a sound of a smooch of kiss. "Goodbye, Ttac-ie. Make sure to search for Park Jeojang or else I'm ripping your head off." is the last thing Jihoon says before the line between them dies.

Jinyoung turns off the tv with the remote control. Same goes to the lights before snatching his phone from the coffee table and going back to his room.

He immediately opens his pc inside, turning on the lights of his room as he does. He takes a seat, consciousness and energy starting to come to him, making him feel not sleep anymore as his pc successfully opens revealing his wallpaper of his hyungs, Minhyun, Jonghyun, Sewoon, Jaehwan, and him in it.

He opens his browser and quickly types Park Jeojang's name in it, only to see pictures of an old man in his late 70's. He's suddenly confused whether he searched for the right man and he did, showing one of his dramas is "We Can Never Feel".

Jinyoung feels so much frustrated, thinking Jihoon tricked him. The older must have been laughing at him right now for believing in his lies. Now, Jinyoung just wants to melt at his seat.

He clicks the drama details only to find out it was released in 1957, bewildering him at the moment.  _Jihoon hyung likes old dramas?_ He then types in the search box,  _'"We Can Never Feel" Park Jeojang actor'_  and it showed results of a young man, almost the same age as theirs.

The young man in his portrait looks really youthful, his face is so fresh making him look like a baby with tender features. His eyes glistened of the galaxies, reminding Jinyoung of the stars he sees every night. Even though, the photo is in black and white and looks really old, he still notices the fair complexion the boy possesses. His hair is curly permed and his nose is pointy too with a perfect nose bridge to pair with. His apple-like cheeks are prominent and below are his thin lips curling into a small yet timid smile.

He imagines Jihoon looking like this, making him feel his heart thump so fast. If Jihoon really looks like Park Jeojang, then he'd be the first boy Jinyoung would like.


	4. the debris of his storm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So um i havent written anything in 2 weeks and this took me 3 hours to write eheh so its crappy lol (also bc today was the first time i wake up so early and this was the first thing i did after being finally free from school stuffs yay!) i'll still try to update this fast as i can!!

Their nights and days are filled with endless conversations, lively and youthful laughters, and non-stop teasings that always result to childish bickers. Jinyoung admits he hasn't had this much fun before, hasn't had much thrill in his 15 years of existence.

It only took one mistake and a loud ring of his phone for his life to change like this. Though, it isn't much drastic for him but he totally feels so different now than from before. He used to see dull colors around, plainly passing by his sight and burying him into the dullness part of the world. That is, until, Park Jihoon barged in, painting and filling his world with colors he has never seen before.

Since then, he feels like his life is shining, even brighter than the brightest star ever known. Debris of his crushed hopes are all suddenly coming back into one piece, deciding it'd be better if they become one again. It feels great really, to live like this, to have something to look forward for each day. Jinyoung wishes this will never change.

"What's your favorite color?"

_"You."_

"Black."

"You're no fun, mine's pink."

"What's your favorite star?"

_"You."_

"Patrick Star."

"What the fuck? At least for once, answer properly."

Jinyoung chuckles at that.

"The sun."

"Your answers are so plain," Jinyoung can feel Jihoon pouting at that. "Mine's the Polaris."

"Why?"

"I don't know honestly. Not to be that person but, I really like seeing the sight of stars at night. I think it's the only thing that entices me during the nights that come. It makes me calm and feel relaxed."

Jinyoung never really guessed Jihoon can be that kind of person. All he knew about him is that, he can be bratty sometimes and act childish too. He's also pretty spoiled judging how he's always so free and out with his friends whereas Jinyoung only has his strict father at home and whenever he goes out, Minhyun would always accompany him.

"People from the ancient times used the Polaris as a guide whenever they're on their expenditures. It's known as the North Star after all since it's always headed to the northㅡ"

"ㅡBut it doesn't really always point to the north becauseㅡ"

"ㅡIt's because the Earth tilts from time to time."

"Right."

They both end up chuckling, finding the way they finish each other's sentences really funny.

"For once, Ttac-ie, I'm not doubting you're a genius."

Jinyoung just shakes his head, suddenly feeling shy at the compliment and the nickname Jihoon has been calling him since two weeks ago. He tried to convince Jihoon not to call him that anymore but alas, the older is too stubborn and whenever Jinyoung reprimands him, he'd repeat that certain nickname like an endless chant until Jinyoung got so sick of it he'd end their call without any goodbyes.

(But Jinyoung would call him again a minute later, telling him a "Goodbye, hyung." and would abruptly end the call so fast Jihoon wouldn't get to respond anymore.)

 

* * *

 

"When's your birthday?"

Jinyoung is currently seated inside the cafeteria in his newest (at last) school, Jeo Ttac Supreme High. He went just to see if he passed on the entrance examinations and he wasn't surprised he was the top notcher among the examinees. He ended up treating himself that day.

"It's in May 10." Jinyoung answers, pressing his phone against his ear with the help of his shoulder as he eats his bowl of jjajangmyeon, with, as always, a small bowl of kimchi at the side.

"Oh, mine's in Mayㅡwait, you fuck, it's already tomorrow?!"

Staggered, Jinyoung chokes on his own food from his throat as he grabs his bottle of water from across the table. His phone fell on the ground but he didn't mind that at first, his health (and maybe his sanity too) is at risk here. He drinks a gulp of water from the bottle until he's sure the food has gotten down on his throat.

He picks the phone up from the ground with Jihoon's voice still blabbering on it and Jinyoung wonders why he never gets tired hearing his annoying and loud blabbers which make sense sometimes but most of the time, it's only pure nonsense.

"Oh my god! Jinyoung, are you okay? Hello!? Hello?"

Jinyoung coughs for a while before answering. "I'm fine now, I just got startled."

He hears a sigh from the other line.

"Thank God! I thought you died or something. Anyway, you're a shitty friend, you didn't tell me tomorrow's your birthday!"

_It is?_

Jinyoung shakes his head as he feeds another mouthful of jajjangmyeon on his mouth. "I didn't know either. Thank you for reminding me, I guess."

He hears Jihoon groaning in frustration.

"See? I know you're a dumbass."

Jinyoung just shrugs at the slight, unharmful insult as he finishes his meal.

"By the way, since it's your birthday tomorrow, what if... we celebrate it together?"

Jinyoung is stunned, the chopsticks in his hand drop down on the ground as the shock processes through him. He feels the fast pounding beat of his heart as his hands go clammy and his insides go uneasy.

Jihoon... wants to meet him? ...wants to celebrate his birthday with him?

He's... gonna celebrate his birthday with him?

The fact that Jinyoung is still clueless why he's acting like this when Jihoon only told him he wants to celebrate it together has gotten him bemused. Maybe Jihoon's right, he's really a dumbass for being this innocent and dense.

"Th-that's great!" Jinyoung's voice went more enthusiastic as he expected it to be.  _Oh fuck, I didn't mean it like that._ "I-I mean... we'll see each other...?"

Jihoon doesn't have the time to hide his laughs now. His laughs, as usual, are so boisterous and very alive and though, it can be quite annoying to others, Jinyoung thinks his laughs are melodies he won't ever get tired of hearing.

 _Fuck,_ he's  _so_ cheesy.

"You don't seem too excited, do you?" Jihoon teases.

Jinyoung reddens at that, suddenly blaming it to the spicy noodles he's eating.

"I-I'm not!"

Jihoon coos at him, a wide grin portrayed on his face as he loosely holds the telephone against his ears.

"Why would you stutter, then?" his voice is laced with humor. Even though he had never seen Jinyoung, doesn't have any idea what he looks like or how he acts, he can tell the younger's ears are already burning red.

It's quite weird, he thinks, but he's pretty gotten used to itㅡguessing Jinyoung's actions, it is.

Jinyoung chooses to ignore yet another day of teasing from Jihoon, likely reprimanding himself from acting recklessly dim-witted again, especially in a place where there are a lot of people. It's what he usually does when Jihoon teases him and the reason why he never likes being teased at.

"Not this time, hyung." he says as he finally calms himself down. He hears a mock of cries from the other line and he just silently laughs. "By the way, i-if we'd meet up on my birthday, I want it on your place."

He hears a loud gasp from the other line and then a short silence. A couple of shifts here and there before a loud thump comes in and a shriek from Jihoon.

"Hyung! Are you okay?"

"Y-yeah,  _ow!_ Holy shit, are you serious? But why?  _Fuck why does it hurt so much."_

"Seriously, are you okay? What happened?" Jinyoung insists to ask again, momentarily forgetting the noodles he has yet to finish.

"Y-yep, I just fell on the couch. You fucking dumbprick surprised me to the core. But, are you really serious about that? You want to spend your birthday here?"

Jinyoung lowers his head down as he feels another blush creeping up on his cheeks until the edge of his ears. He blushes so much these days he doesn't have any idea why.

"Y-yes,"  _It's not like he'd know I'm just curioust about how he lives, right?_  "I told you that I'd like to go to the provinces someday."

"That's great then!" Jihoon beams without hesitations. "I'll wait for you at the train station at 8o'clock, then. How's that?"

"It's fine!"

Because Jinyoung wouldn't mind celebrating his birthday all day with a friend he's never met before.

"Okay! See you soon, Ttac-ie! Will you manage to pull through, though?"

Jinyoung portrays out a small, bashful grin. "My friendly skills are enough for it."

Jihoon chuckles at that, Jinyoung hearing once more melodies inside his head.

"Just a heads up though, ask people if they know me, in case you get lost. I'm quite popular here you know."

Jinyoung could only snort in amusement, not believing the older's statement. However, he decides if it'd be good to play along.

"Yeah, sure. I'll take note of it."

And Jihoon laughs once again. Jinyoung wonders the time when Jihoon would stop laughing, and he wishes it never comes, wishes he had never thought of it in the first place.

 

* * *

 

"You ready?" Jaehwan asks as he hoists his feet up from the ground just to get it in his car. Jinyoung only responds with a nod, feeling his heartbeat getting wilder as every minute, every second passes by.

Today is his birthday and he wonders how this day will go for him. Usually, he'd always be out with his hyungs and his father at such day but today's an exception, mainly because he had agreed on meeting up today with Park Jihoon.

Jaehwan had volunteered to drive him to Sinan since, coincidentally, he had to visit his sick grandfather who lives in the same place as Jihoon's. Jinyoung didn't bother to ask any further as he's swallowed by agitation and meager anxiety.

It's only 5o'clock in the morning and they're still halfway, Jaehwan informs. Jinyoung yawns at that as he slumps off the passenger's seat with his earphones on.

"Sleep well first, Jinyoung. I'll wake you up once we stop over for breakfast."

Jinyoung drifts himself off to sleep, fully indulging the pillow neck he's wearing. The slight icy temperature and the lemon verbena scent of Jaehwan's car makes him fall into a light slumber due to lethargy.

He eventually wakes up when he feels a light tap on his shoulders.

Jaehwan had decided to stop over at a fast food restaurant and thought it would be an enough place to stay at and eat for breakfast. They eventually go inside, a lot of people already taking their orders here and there. It's roughly 6 in the morning and Jinyoung still has a lot of time in his hand.

They end up ordering two mini breakfast pack they think it'd be enough for the two of them, consuming it for a good 20 minutes of their time. Once done though, they immediately go back inside the car and finish taking the route to Sinan.

As they go farther away from place to place, Jinyoung sees lesser and lesser buildings and homes on the road. Their whole drive was quiet, Jaehwan didn't feel like talking today which was very unusual. Jinyoung, though, didn't mind that as his thoughts are fully occupied with someone under the name Park Jihoon.

They cross the bridge which Jinyoung believes is the route to Sinanㅡthe welcome sign says so. He suddenly smells the sea breeze and the fresh scent of the salt water lingering in the air as he opens the window, gladly letting it pass by inside the car. The atmosphere feels so mild and utterly serene and he just likes to live here forever.

He sees Jaehwan grinning beside him while driving.

"I know you'd love Sinan. Your friend must be too excited to tour you around here."

Jinyoung shakes his head at that with a crook smile. "Not really, if anything, he wants to get out of here already." he chuckles when he remembers how whiny Jihoon would get when he tells about how boring Sinan is.

Jinyoung thinks not.

True to what Jihoon had said the past days, Jinyoung can only see couple of houses the moment they reached the end of the bridge. The town looks so simple but its simplicity is what fonds his heart the most. He'll never understand why Jihoon would want to get out of here.

"Is that so? He just suddenly reminds me of my grandfather." Jaehwan then chuckles. "He also hated being here but in the end, he ended up staying here forever."

"Jaehwan hyung," Jaehwan hums at that. "You told me your grandfather's sick right?"

Jaehwan nods as he turns to another direction.

"Can I pay him a visit?"

"I don't think you'll have sufficient time for that, Jinyoung-ie. Your father told me you should be home by 8. I bet you're gonna spend your birthday the whole day with your friend." Jaehwan teases at the end, implying there's something fishy between the two. He's pretty much aware the friend Jinyoung is meeting up today is the same friend Jinyoung is talking to the phone everyday.

Well, everyone around Jinyoung is aware but no one needs to know that.

Jinyoung fights off a blush as his ears go crazily crimson red because of what Jaehwan had implied.

"I-I'm not!"

Jaehwan just sneers as he pulls over before coming into a final halt. They're already at the train station that Jinyoung fails to notice. Oh, how time quickly comes by.

"We're here. Are you sure you're gonna be okay? You don't want me to accompany you for a while?"

Jinyoung shakes his head. "I'm okay, hyung. I can do this."

"Alright," Jaehwan smiles. "I'll come pick you up here before 8 so come by here quick, okay?"

Jinyoung nods as he finally gets out of the car. "Take care hyung!"

"Sure, you too."

Jaehwan's car fades into view and Jinyoung is all left alone now in the hustling train station. He looks at the time on his phone and he's 10 minutes earlier.

"Jihoon hyung will come here soon."

As if on cue, his phone rings and sees Jihoon's name on it. He quickly answers the call and puts the phone against his ears.

"Hyung?"

"Shit, Jinyoung! Are you there already? Tell me, I woke up fucking late today I'm sorry. By the way, happy birthday prick."

Jinyoung awkwardly smiles. "Thanks, I guess? Erm yes, I just got in here actually."

"Okay! I'll be there soon, just wait for me! By the way, I'll be wearing black shirt and faded jeans, just so you can easily spot me. And also, I'll wear specs, how's that?!" Jihoon asks

"Okay, noted hyung. Don't ditch me alright? Tell me when you're here so you can give me your present."

He hears Jihoon let out a hum. "You're such a demanding person! Okay, bye now. I haven't taken a bath yet!"

Jihoon ends their call and Jinyoung can only laugh in amusement. He takes a seat on the bench, gladly taking in the usual scenario he's seen everyday in his life.

Though, it's still early, there were already a lot of people inside the station. The place is jam-packed as the busy crowd wait for the next train to arrive.

Jinyoung looks at his watch again and notices Jihoon's already 10 minutes late so he stays still. He looks around through the thickness of the crowd, hoping he'd find someone who's wearing specs and a black shirt and feels his heart thumping when he sees a boy wearing exactly what Jihoon had describe earlier. Said boy is also looking around, as if he's also searching for someone.

Jinyoung doesn't hesitate to stand up, approaching him as he does. The boy gets alarmed by his presence, making him grin wide.

"Jihoon hyung?! Finally! You're late!" he asks as he forces the boy to face him, shrugging its shoulders.

The boy gives him an incredulous look, merely wondering who this stranger is. More so, why would a stranger call him a name he doesn't own? The boy thinks Jinyoung has mistakened him.

"Uhh, I'm not Jihoon."

Jinyoung creases in confusion. "Whaㅡ?"

"Haknyeon!" they both hear a feminine voice calling the boy's name.

Said boy under the name, Haknyeon, turns around to see who had call his name. It was his mother.

He gives a short apologetic glance to Jinyoung and a nod before turning his shoes away from him. Jinyoung gives himself a facepalm, having enough embarrassment for the day.

He dials Jihoon's number again when he thinks the older's taking long enough to come. He's already 25 minutes late and though, Jinyoung is patient, he's been wandering off and thinking every teenage boy he passes by is Jihoon.

He's become keen over the fact he'll see and meet Jihoon soonest..

_The phone number you're dialling is out of coverage._

The automated voice from the intercom says for the umpteenth time. Jinyoung hisses in frustration as he re-dials Jihoon's number again and again.

_The phone number you're dialling is out of coverage._

_The phone number you're dialling is out of coverage._

_The phone number you're dialling is out of coverage._

Jinyoung presses his eyes closed as he sees Jihoon's already one hour late. He sits still at the bench, carefully looking around the train station for a sight of a boy wearing black shirt and faded jeans with a pair of spectacles. The station is almost empty for the passengers have boarded the train already, including the boy, Haknyeon that Jinyoung had mistaken as Jihoon earlier.

He can still wait for Jihoon right? He can. Maybe, Jihoon has an errand to run for his grandmother which he always tell to Jinyoung.

_10:07 a.m._

_11:02 a.m._

_12:10 p.m._

Jinyoung feels his stomach growl in hunger. He strokes his tummy as he stays still on his seat, hoping Jihoon would come. He's late for 4 freaking hours already but that didn't mean for Jinyoung to back down that quickly.

He dials Jihoon's phone number again.

_The phone number you're dialling is out of coverage._

Jinyoung squeezes his eyes shut in utter dismay. He can't contact Jihoon until now and the thoughts of the older's whereabouts worry him.

He waits.

_1:01 p.m._

_1:29 p.m._

_3:08 p.m._

_3:22 p.m._

Jinyoung dials his phone again but the same automated voice from the intercom is what he got as an answer. He repeatedly clicks his tongue, a habit he does when he's anxious, agitated, or excited that Jihoon once pointed out to him.

_4:07 p.m._

_5:10 p.m._

_5:29 p.m._

_6:16 p.m._

_8:07 p.m._

Jinyoung hears a loud beep behind him. He doesn't move or attempt to flinch at least for his body is already nagging in the coldness. The guard has been glancing at him back and forth and he doesn't want to know if it's out of pity or curiosity. Heck,he doesn't even care anything at this moment but only the thoughts of Jihoon and the reason why he didn't come? Why he had the reason to ditch him? Why he chose to abandon him?

Jinyoung doesn't want to think about it anymore for it makes his heart squeeze into further pain and agony he feels inside his empty shell of hope and utmost optimism. He feels all of the debris he has taken a long time to build, to hold on together, has become broken once again and falls out every little pieces his own self once contained.

"Yah!"

Jinyoung hears someone... shouting? He flinches out of instinct. Could it be... could it be Jihoon already?  _Holy shit,_ why did he decide to show up just now?

Face portrayed of anger, he turns around, ready to shout at his hyung for being so damn fucking late only to see Jaehwan running up to him with a teasing smile on his face that burned so fast the moment he sees the gloom and sadness in Jinyoung's voice.

"Jinyoung! Are you okay?!" Jaehwan exclaims in concern.

Jinyoung tries his best to smile, to show up a façade. "What are you talking about? Of course I am! I was just pissed you were taking a long time to come, hyung."

Jaehwan knows Jinyoung can't act. He can already see through him, through his eyes that speak of thousands of unheard emotions deep inside. He frowns.

"Don't fucking lie to me, Jinyoung." he says, voice laced with hostility.

Jinyoung feels like his façade that he put up earlier is slowly breaking into pieces so fast. He stays silent as he feels Jaehwan taking a seat by his side, asking him questions he didn't have the energy to comprehend.

Jinyoung doesn't know why  _the fuck_ he is like  _this_. Well, it was  _his_ _fucking birthday_ and Jihoon made him wait for the whole day and ditched him for good, he tries to reason himself out.

_Wh_ _y did you wait for_ _him then when you could've left the place earlier and call for Jaehwan?_

Jinyoung doesn't want to be so goddamn dense and indenial anymore. He knows the mere reason why he's crying, and if you ask him what it is, it's not because Jihoon hadn't shown up nor made him wait.

It's because he made him hope for something that was not meant to happen, it's because he made him believe at his words that contained of nothing but pure nonsense and emptiness.

_Maybe something had come up to him? Maybe there's something urgent he needed to do? Or maybe... something bad happened on his way?_

Jinyoung wishes it's neither of that, hopes that Jihoon is still safe and sound.

He tries to come up different excuses just to put an end of the storm inside him. But it's to no ado it did not become effective at all. He's mad, mad at the world, mad at everyone, mad at the guard looking at them weirdly, mad at the stars, mad at the Polaris, mad at every shades of pink he sees and especially, he's mad at Park Jihoon.

_But why?_

Why?

Why is he being like this? Jihoon  _only_ ditched him right?

Why?

Why did he wait for him? Why did he put his whole day into a blow for someone who didn't come for him in the first place when he could've just spent his day with his father and hyungs?

 _So why?_ He asks.

It's because... he likes Park Jihoon so much, that maybe why.

The seething storm inside Jinyoung's heart alleviates at the sudden realization but he's aware it'll still continue to rage.


	5. a wish to the polaris

It's been one week since Jinyoung had last deemed of Jihoon's voice, had last felt the older's laughs pierce his heart and shake his whole being.

A long agonizing week of waiting, of expecting a single ring of his phone, of hoping for a miracle to come and surprise him in a mist. He re-dials Jihoon's number again for the 578th time (Jinyoung hopes he didn't miscount!).

_The phone number you're dialling is out of coverage._

_Crash!_

He throws his phone negligently across the room and the poor thing falls down on the floor with a blaring thump. Jinyoung gives no heed as he stills on his bed, doesn't seem to have any plans of going out of his cocoon yet again though the sun is awake glaring daggers of scattered rays all over his room from the glass of his window.

A hesitating knock comes into his senses, and he doesn't need to bet that it's his father outside.

"Jinyoung?" comes Mr. Bae's voice for the day. "Breakfast is here. Are you okay?"

"Y-yeah," Jinyoung's voice is hoarse, and no one needs to ask him why. "I'll be there."

"Okay. Just tell me if you need anything okay? Minhyun's coming here soon to check you up."

Jinyoung nods as if his father can see him.

He hears footsteps fading away and a minute later, a loud squeak of the door is heard before it all comes into a rapid close. Jinyoung guesses his father might have left for his work already.

He lazily gets up from the bed as he fixes his unkempt pajamas. He opens the door at such a leisurely pace, immediately leading him into a long hallway that seemed endless before he could go downstairs.

The whole house feels so empty, as usual. The deafening silence is screaming at him . Before, he was used at the eerie stillness lying inside that he really didn't mind about it that much for he had Jihoon's voice to keep him accompanied. But now, everything feels so different, strange even.

It seems so funny how those two months with Jihoon already had him undergone a feeling of attachment, that losing contact with him in an instant feels like a part of his life had changed.

A lie. It's all a lie when he had thought Jihoon didn't made drastic changes in his life for such a short period of time. Because if Jihoon didn't, would Jinyoung be making this mess a big deal, at all?

He realized then, that Jihoon had already made a huge impact on his world without even trying at all. It fucking scares him, haunts him even. Now, he's all left with a huge burden on his heart that is the fruit of Jihoon's impact.

He wonders if had he not accepted Jihoon's offer of friendship, if had he constantly rejected him, would things be different? Would he not be suffering like this?

Of course, but he thinks it isn't worth it at allㅡdrawing oneself to oblivion, that is. If he hadn't met Jihoon (coughs, through the phone), his life would be so plainly ordinary and he doesn't like the idea of that. Jinyoung, well, he likes putting himself into extremes. And he's sure Jihoon's the only person who makes him feel like that.

Jinyoung carefully spoons a piece of kimchi from the bowl at his side as he stares at the steaming asparagus soup laid in front of him. He gathers his thoughts as he doesn't let the soup burning in his tongue distract him.

The faint sunlight from the windows of their dining room irradiates above him, emphasizing the tenderness of his hazel hair with a little bit touch of ebony.

_How is Jihoon doing now? Is he fine? Is he doing well? Does he... does he miss me?_

The crumples in his heart comes past severe as beads of tears build up on the corner of his twinkling eyes.

Liking someone never hurts this much, Jinyoung finds himself saying.

And he lies, he always does these days.

Because it hurts, this much.

 

* * *

 

Jinyoung finds himself staring affectionately at the stars glimmering through the sheet of darkness over him, wishing Jihoon is doing the same.

_Can he see the stars tonight? Can he see how it's shining just for him?_

Minhyun had come earlier, asking him few things about Jinyoung's real deal with his life as of the moment. Minhyun is aware of it, aware of why Jinyoung's like this, why he's trapped himself inside his room for 7 straight days and never comes out, only when he grabs for food.

Jinyoung's father thought Jinyoung's sick that has him worrying for good. Jinyoung feels bad, he hadn't meant to lie at his father like this. He hadn't meant for his hyungs who knows of his situation to keep it from his father either.

His hyungs were once tempted to tell it to him, though but they know how he would react.

Jinyoung's father is so protective, that seeing his son hurt would make him faint in worry. And if he knows about Jinyoung's current situation, come will chaos be.

Minhyun had warned him not to talk with that Jihoon guy anymore and Jinyoung felt alarmed.

"Why, hyung? I can't..."

Minhyun shook his head in disappointment.

"No, please Jinyoung. This is for your own good, I know you like the guy but he had the audacity to ditch you a week ago. He made you wait for nothing. Who knows this guy might just be a random person searching for strangers to prank? Don't let your guard down, Jinyoung and listen to hyung alright?"

Jinyoung clenched his fist as he remained silent. He didn't feel like talking back for he might end up hurling abrasive words at Minhyun, the hyung that earns his respect the most.

The stars glimmer that night, and it's one of the prettiest nights Jinyoung has ever encountered in his entire life. He searches for the Polaris in the middle of the thousands, or billions even, of stars displayed on the vastness sheet of the dark sky laid above him only to find it winking in the upper middle on the sky.

_"The Polaris leads us in the right path."_

_Jinyoung could only snort in disbelief. "Oh really?"_

_Jihoon hummed, as his eyes were closed, feeling the cold, arid summer night air dash on his face. "Yes, really. The moment I stare out at the night before sleep drowns me in, I always search for the Polaris firstㅡ"_

_"ㅡYeah, you had told me that already."_

_Jihoon ignored that._

_"Because I always hope that it'd guide me once dawn comes, that it'd help me choose the right path for the next day to come."_

_"Don't people usually pray?"_

_Jihoon chuckled. "Of course, with the power of prayer too!"_

Jinyoung shuts his eyes as the faint brightness of the Polaris shine above him. His chapped lips pucker to send soft, quiet whispers through the arid wind, his bangs are being swept up as he does. The streetlights below him flicker, merely wanting to hear of his wish.

_To wish that the Polaris can hear him, can discern him begging for a better day tomorrow, can grant him a wish he only ever needs. That is, to hear Park Jihoon's voice and deep chuckles strumming his heartstrings once again._

 

* * *

 

Maybe Jinyoung's just imagining things the moment he hears his phone ringing first thing in the morning. It hasn't been ringing since that unfortunate day for no one's in his contacts ㅡ other than his hyungs which he sees everyday so there'd be no much reason for them to call ㅡdared calling .

The annoying ringtone comes knocking on his ears continuously which he believed is just a part of his dream, a dream where Jihoon's deep voice, sniggers, constant chuckles and everything just Park Jihoon consist of. He changes and shifts positions for numerous times now as he craves for more sleep, and seemingly not wanting to end his dream anymore.

The glaring red light of his digital clock reads 6 in the morning and there's no way he's surrendering his slumber at such an early time. He unconsciously kicks the covers below him as he unknowingly stretches himself on the bed, finding comforts in his dainty sheets which smelled of lavender and plum blossom.

The phone relents on reverberating on his ears before it comes into a hush. Jinyoung confirms it was only a mere imagination because there's no way Jihoon would call, right?

That thought slapped him right on the face, eventually making his eyes flutter open.

Wait, his phone is ringing again.

He's stunned when he hears that same ringtone again and he panics, quickly coming over at his phone lying on the bedsidetable. His phone is full of cracks at the side and a big one on the screen, reminding him that he had thrown it on the floor yesterday. What baffles him the most is the fact that it's still working though the damage he had caused is enough for it not to function anymore.

He feels his breath hitched as he reads the caller id on his phone. His whole body freezes and he can't stop shaking since then.

_Jihoon hyung calling..._

He swipes the answer button so fast he feels like he's in a marathon.

The uncanny silence is the first thing that greets him. He hears hitched breaths from the other line and he wants to tear up of how much he fucking missed this, of how much he fucking wanted to hear Jihoon again, even if it's only the latter's breaths.

"Jihoon hyung..." he calls in his low deep voice he's never used at the older before.

There was no answer coming from the other line. He coughs before speaking again.

"Jihoon hyung, i-is this y-you? Iㅡ" Jinyoung tries his best to hide his sobs.  _Why is he crying?_ "W-where were you...? Y-you didn't come... on my fucking birthday."

"Jinyoung-ah..." Jihoon answered, making Jinyoung press his eyes in relief and though, he feels so mad at him, at least he knows Jihoon is fine and something bad hadn't happened to him, right?

But speaking so soon could put a lot of things mistaken. The moment Jinyoung hears loud cries and choked up sobs from the other line, he feels his heart had ripped itself apart from the inevitable pain that had waited for him to come.

 

* * *

 

"WHAT THE FUCK!" Woojin shouts as the call with Ahn Hyungseob is suddenly disrupted by the sudden unfortunate cut-off of the electricity supply in Jihoon's home.

He hears a loud squeal from the bathroom and his irritation dissipates so fast as he laughs his ass off at Jihoon who's much probably shitting out due to the sudden black-out. He casually puts back the telephone on the stand as he deems it won't be of much use now since there's not any source of electricity that could be found. He'll have to apologize to Hyungseob later.

Jihoon goes out with only a towel wrapped around his torso as the shampoo is still sticking out on his hair. His face is wet with soap all over his body, making him look like a fucking idiot to Woojin's perspective.

"You look hideous you pig, just look at yourself!" And there goes his loud laughs again that he knows it always makes Jihoon piss off.

Jihoon puffs out imaginary clouds of breaths in the air in anger but decides he'll ignore Woojin for now. Jinyoung, who's waiting for him at the train station, is much more important than his pig of a best friend.

"Where's the flashlight, I couldn't see a thing in the bathroom."

Woojin hands him the flashlight from the cupboard behind him. Jihoon mutters a "Thanks, pig." in return, before quickly going back to the bathroom.

Woojin sighs as he massages his forehead. How will he explain himself to Hyungseob now? He knows he's boyfriend will get mad at him now that he's trying to clear things up that he and Jihoon has no any relationship at all and Jihoon is as straight as a stick (but he's aware Jihoon is starting to bend like how he once did for Hyungseob though the society thinks it's disgusting. At least he won't be the only homosexual specie living in this place anymore. Woojin wants to thank that Jinyoung guy.)

Unfortunately but fortunately at the same time, no one knows of Woojin and Hyungseob's relationship. They know they'll both get disgusting remarks and backlashes back and forth so they need no effort to tell it to everyone. It's sad and kind of devastating though, even his best friend doesn't know about this, afraid of how Jihoon would react. 

Everyone has secrets.

If Jihoon has something to hide from Woojin, can't he also have one too?

 

* * *

 

Dark clouds cover the immense blue sky above Jihoon as he saunters his way to the hustling train station, that is, unfortunately for him, is crowded of people waiting for the next train to arrive. He takes a short quick glance at the antique watch he's wearing by his wrist and reads he's only 5 minutes late. He wishes he didn't made Jinyoung wait for long.

He walks around and mentally curses at himself, realizing he had forgotten to ask any sort of details about Jinyoung. He's sure he won't get to spot him in no time due to the thick crowd squishing him between. He quietly hopes Jinyoung would spot him immediately though.

The noisy chatters and the non-ending honks and beeps of the vehicles around him are what consume Jihoon's senses. The soft, muddy gravel below his stepping land covers a portion of his white shoes, making him sigh a little.

Petite yet manly hands suddenly clutch firmly on his wrist and there he sees Haknyeon with a huge grin on his face. His eyes are shaped into saucers, unexpectedly seeing a dear friend at such place.

"Haknyeon-ah!"

"Hoon-ah!"

Haknyeon rewards him a warm, friendly hug as Jihoon has his nose buried on the taller's brown furry coat laced of faint fresh vanilla and honey scent.

"So when are you coming back?" Jihoon inquires as soon as they broke off the hug.

Haknyeon squints his eyes as the sunlight shining through the thick clouds blind his eyes for a while. Jihoon sees the freckles on his skin and he's pretty much envious of how the tiny spots fit on his face.

"Maybe a week after school starts?" Haknyeon mumbles something for a while before shrugging off his shoulders. "I don't know to be honest."

Jihoon hums as the cold wind splash against his skin. He looks up at the sky and infers it's going to rain.

"Okay, see you soon, buddy!" he pats off Haknyeon's shoulders with a smug grin but immediately transforms into a serious mode. "Don't fucking forget bringing home some chocolates from Switzerland, alright?!"

The faint whistles of the wind tunes in with Haknyeon's chuckles just right on time. The temperature is getting colder every minute but they remain standing still, glued to their positions.

"What are you doing here by the way, Hoon-ah? Are you picking someone up?" Haknyeon questions, his perfectly shaped brows that strike through above his eyes rise in curiosity. Jihoon shakes his head as his hands sway in the air.

"No, but yeah, kinda? Well I wasㅡ"

"JIHOON!"

Jihoon is startled when he felt someone grabbing him by the arms. Haknyeon looks at his two friends in mild confusion as the horror look on Woojin's face is unreadable.

Woojin looks so panicked and anytime now, he feels he's going to explode. He takes short glances at both Jihoon and Haknyeon, who in return, are giving him looks of either confusion, tensioned, or eagernessㅡhe couldn't tell.

"Woojin? What are you doing here? Why did you run all the way here?" Jihoon couldn't help but to fear for something Woojin has yet to spilled. His best friend isn't usually like this, only if there are serious matters involved.

With shaky breaths and trembling hands, Woojin leans in closer to both his two friends, especially leaning the attention more into Jihoon since the matter is especially involved of his friend.

"J-jihoon," Woojin can't find himself to say it but he has to let Jihoon know about this.

"W-what?"

 "Your grandmother told me..." his voice slowly trails off. "Your father... heㅡhe committed s-suicide."

The rain starts pouring down as the screams and noises of the people begin to dawn in, but not to him. Jihoon hears nothing but the echoes of Woojin's voice and the words he had said come playing like a broken record on his mind. The colors in his face diminish little by little, the frigid raindrops trickle down washing his body of ironic pain and numbness.

_It can't be real... can it?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as you can see, i love hakwink a lot :")
> 
> p.s. pls watch out for haknyeon


	6. the cold wind relentlessy blows inside his heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry if i was inactive but i wont leave this story hanging! my friend and i have invested a lot of time to create the whole plot for this and yes, the ending's alr been determined lol
> 
> as to why i was inactive. school stuffs is a typical excuse but its one of the reasons. the other one is my laptop's broken that's why im struggling with my phone's memo pad to type this chapter. this is particularly straight from a draft with no editings and changes done so i apologize for the mistakes. i'll polish this once i got my laptop back.
> 
> warnings at the end of the chapter.

The mild spattering of the rain outside the creaking glass of his windows are what consumes Jihoon's senses at 2 in the morning. Shifting here and there, searching for an accurate position that heeds him of good sleep is what he does for a good 20 minutes. For no adequate reason, he couldn't calm his mind. It drives him in circles and it whirls for countless times, feeling his heart quickening more and more in accordance to the loud ticking of the clock pasted on the lethargic walls.

 

It was a god-awful sight to witness what he had just seen earlier. He had just seen a man, around his father's age, peppering his mother endless neck kisses as said man gropes all over the parts where it shouldn't be touch at. Jihoon felt like vomiting at the sight and it remained a bitter and uncanny flavor on his tastebuds the moment it unvoluntarily replays on his mind. Heck, he didn't even want to remember it anymore.

 

An eliciting moan is what he hears coming from the other room and fuck! fuck! fuck! Jihoon wanted to cover his ears so much from over the disgusting sounds he's hearing. He feels his legs trembling as the coldness nags his whole body but that doesn't stop the remorse that he feels towards his mother right now.

 

For him, age never mattered. Not when a mother of an 11 year-old kid is playing with another man she isn't supposed to play with. 

 

Isn't it why couples get married? Isnt it why they're tied to each other infront of the altar and promised to cherish and share pain for life? Then what the fuck is this?

 

Daddy please go home...

 

Daddy please go home...

 

Daddy please go home...

 

Please...

 

Jihoon covers both of his ears with his hands as the heavy pants and sinful moans elicit from the other room. He presses his eyes closed, trying to distract himself from the closeted, cruel reality that is, unfortunately, the world where he exists right now.

 

It was one lonely night. Jihoon has no one. His father didn't come to save him and his innocence. His mother didn't give a damn about his son who may have deemed of her sins. Most of all, he didn't manage to save himself, at least. His pure innocent self who had nothing to grasp on but the love his parents provide that he, himself, knew was dying in an instant.

 

ㅡ

 

It was one week before Christmas when Jihoon sees document papers being flashed before his eyes. He sees the way his father's nose scrunch up in confusion as he reads the papers one by one. Beside is his mother who has her eyes on his father. The audible click clacking of her heels is what resonnates the eerie atmosphere inside.

 

"What is this... Sooyoung?" Jihoon's father glances up at his wife who, in return, returns his gaze. "I-I don't understand!"

 

Jihoon stopped breathing, his grip on the glass is getting tighter and tighter he's afraid it might break soon. He knew something wrong is going to happen and even though his parents fought a lot these days, he's aware this one will be a lot different. He leans himself against the wall behind the living room where his parents are currently situated at.

 

"Exactly, Yeol. I'm not happy anymore, do you get it?! I don't feel free here anymore. You know how much I wanted to go far away from here and live in Seoul andㅡ"

 

"But I thought you agreed living hereㅡ"

 

"Exactly!"

 

Why were they shouting?

 

Jihoon tried peeking in and subscribing the scene folding infront of his eyes. His delicate fingers are tightly clutching on the velvety walls for dear life as he sees the papers being thrown at the floor courtesy of his father.

 

"I agreed living with you because I loved you and our son and that's that! I thought nothing's gonna change but well, here we are!" Jihoon hears a hysterical laugh, similar that of a hyena's. And though, it may be amusing but he thought of the situation and pondered it may not be best to think of such thoughts.

 

Jihoon thinks the laughs aren't amusing though. He thinks it's scary, he thinks it'll eat him whole judging the way how it reverberates against his ears. He feels like he had just heard a monster's laugh, so loud and a lot defeaning he'd rather go deaf.

 

But that same laugh is what calmed his heart once when he was only in diapers, that same laugh that strummed the strings of his heart, and that same laugh that he knew it belonged to his mother.

 

He isn't sure of it right now, though.

 

"Fucking sign that papers right now, Yeol. I'm getting impatient."

 

"Sooyoung, c-calm down. Maybe, we can still fix this as long as we think rationㅡ"

 

Jihoon sees red in his mother's eyes the moment she caught him watching. He cowers for fear that his mother made him feel as the grip on his glass loosens.

 

"There's nothing to fix things anymore! Yeol... I have a family already."

 

The voice his mother contained is firmed with determination, venom spitting out of her mouth that had Jihoon silently loathing beside.

 

The hope in his father's eyes falters as the shock processes through him. His mouth gapes wide in disbelief, figure remained frozen on his seat as the infuriating spark in his mother's eyes continues to burn. Neither party didn't speak in a long while as Jihoon stood still, hands shaking as the tears in his eyes could not be stopped from flowing.

 

After a long while, he sees his father picking up the papers on the ground and Jihoon could only widen his eyes in horror. Oh no! Oh no!

 

"Since when, Sooyoung?" his father's voice is almost quiet, inaudible to his ears. However, he could sense the hatred that clots beneath. "Since when?"

 

"Since everything started."

 

"You never loved me?"

 

"I did."

 

"Bullcrap."

 

He felt like fleeing, far far away from hereㅡthe place that was the reason, that was the witness of how his family crumbled into pieces. Maybe, even until now.

 

ㅡ

 

Jihoon never liked winter. He never liked the harsh snow drizzling in the cold, arid air down to the almost empty, narrow streets. He didn't like the way the motionless freezing sea by the shore move so dead like someone had killed it. He didn't like how winter meant Christmas for everyone but when in reality, winter meant horror to him. A season he shouldn't be celebrating. A season that is a gentle yet horrific reminder of his past that remains unchangeable and irreplaceable. That no matter how much he tries, no matter how much he begs and conceives and wishes he'd just forgotten about it, it's practically engraved on his mind.

 

The door shuts as Jihoon hears the fainting click clack of the heels outside their house. He glances at his father who had done nothing but drink and drink until he's passed out.

 

Is this what they mean by love? Leaving him behind and giving him pain until he goes blind and sees nothing but chaos? Is that it? If it is, then Jihoon might not want to fall in love, ever.

 

It's Christmas and he should be celebrating. But all he feels is the unbearable and devastating ache inside his heart.

 

ㅡ

 

Jihoon rips the envelope that contains the letter from his father as the tears in his eyes fall like waterfalls, continously moving and falling. His fingers are numb whilst shaking in nervousness. The paper is crumpled and old, like it had been countlessly pondered whether to give it to the receiver or not. Nonetheless, Jihoon reads through the messy handwriting that belongs to his father.

 

Jihoon,

 

The moment you're reading this letter, I just want to let you know that I love you, my son and I care for you a lot. But I'm sorry, I am so so sorry that your father's like this, weak and vulnerable and could not move on from the aches of the past. I'm so sorry that I have to leave you like this, to have done nothing but  only to fail as a father. Please, I hope you won't grieve too much, just continue living your life the way it is okay? 

 

Take care of yourself. And I hope you find the right one to love. Don't look up to me, child. Got it?

 

Dad.

 

A week later, as Jihoon properly bids a goodbye to his father's remaints, he learns the cause of his suicide.

 

It was love.

 

His father couldn't move on. He still loved his wife dearly that he insisted on following her to Seoul only to get rejected countless times.

 

Jihoon's scared to fall in love now.

 

ㅡ

 

"H-hyung..." Jihoon hears the pity in Jinyoung's voice and fucking shit he hates it so much. He doesn't like being pitied at but maybe he'll just hold on it in a while until he's come composed for himself. "I-I know I can't do anything about it and heck, I don't even know how to comfort people. B-but please," he hears him gulp as Jinyoung's voice is trembling, much similar to how Jihoon's hands are quivering. "Please I hope y-you know I'm here, right? I'm just literally one call away. I-I am willing to hear all your struggles, to carry your burden to-toㅡ"

 

"Jinyoung." Jihoon's voice is firm and strong and uncanny and he knows it's scary and all serious shit. Gladly, he's aware.

 

"Jinyoung." he calls Jinyoung's name again and the moment it leaves his lips, it felt so right yet at the same time so damn wrong. All he wants is nothing but to repeat Jinyoung's name rolling off his tongue like a mantra, heavily chanting it until he becomes tired and hoarse he can no longer speak. At the same time there's the menacing doubt lingering deep within him that calls out of his own boundaries. That he shouldn't be like this, that he knows he shouldn't do something like this. 

 

"I'm okay." he assures. "Really. Thank you."

 

He decides it'd be better not to talk about it anymore.

 

What if deep inside Jinyoung is mocking him about it? What if Jinyoung doesn't really care about it? What if Jinyoung's just like his mother? In the end, everyone would leave him in an instant, they always do.

 

All the what-if's and anxieties are driving him crazy he thinks he might just faint soon.

 

"No, you're not! Listen," Jinyoung's voice is madㅡor is filled with hatredㅡJihoon doesn't have an idea. And it fucking scares him alot. "How can you be fine whenㅡ"

 

"Stop!" Jihoon screams on top of his lungs as the tears don't stop streaming like waterfalls. It wets his face viscousless until it reached the crook of his neck and collarbones, seeping through his skin like venom and acid rain mixed together.

 

"Jihoon hyung, will you pleaseㅡ"

 

Jihoon unplugs the telephone wire from the electric plug.

 

ㅡ

 

They don't talk for another week again.

 

In two days, it will be Jihoon's birthday. He'll celebrate it alone, as usual.

 

Woojin knocks harshly on his door, shouting his name outside telling him "Your boy is calling again for the 7th time of the day!"

 

Right. He has Woojin. How can he forgot about him? Jihoon feels bad.

 

He shouldn't neglect him. He's only his precious friend after all. He's been with him for years. While Jinyoung...

 

Wait, why is he comparing them now?

 

Jihoon stands up from staring mindlessly outside his windows, the streaks of light resonnating inside his room blinding his eyes off in a while. He opens the door with a frowning Woojin outside, brows crooked and lips jutting in anger as his hands are placed at the side of his hips. Jihoon immediately engulfs him into a big tight hug as his tears start building up again.

 

"I still have you, Woojin-ah, right?"

 

Woojin remained frozen, can't seem to decipher the act Jihoon is doing. His arms hang lazily on his sides as he feels Jihoon's tears soaking his shirt. The annoyance he feels dissipate in an instant and a mixture of sadness and anger hurl like a ball inside him.

 

"You're wrong." Woojin is gritting his teeth as he says that. Jihoon quickly breaks off the hug, brows furrowed in confusion. "You still have Jinyoung, Jihoon." he glares at him. "Don't push him away. The boy's been trying to contact you for days and although it's been a lot annoying for me, I still appreciate his efforts. Don't waste him, Jihoon. Please..." his last words come out as a plead.

 

Jihoon momentarily stares at him, the words seemed to buffer slowly inside. He looks down, the fear and anguish coming first before anything else.

 

"I c-can't, Woojin. Iㅡ"

 

"You like Jinyoung, right?" Jihoon gapes his mouth. "And trust me when I say he won't be like yoour mother, trust me when I say he's genuine despite having not to know anything about him either. And trust me when I say, he's willing to save you more than anyone could."

 

Jihoon becomes hesitant for a while. Yes, he trusts Woojin so much that up to this point he still believes his words. Well, no one could blame him though. Woojin always knows the right from the wrong and the wrong from the right. He always knows what to do and what not to do. He is that wise and Jihoon is that person who trusts him a lot.

 

Jihoon presses his eyes closed as his lips are bleeding from being bitten so hard. He unknowingly tastes the metallic flavor it brings on his tastebuds. His hands are fidgeting on his sides, and he feels so nervous it's wrecking his nerves. It makes him go crazy.

 

"How... how c-can you be so sure Jinyoung can save me? That's nonsense, Woojin. I don't need anyone to save me. I am fine as I amㅡ"

 

"That's not what I meant, Jihoon. Will you listenㅡ"

 

"Stop, Woojin. Please, stop. I, I've had enough today, please..."

 

"But Jihoon..."

 

Jihoon ducks his head down, his lips are quivering despite the heat wrapping them up. "I'm, I'm tired..." he mutters. "I'll just go inside."

 

Before he could proceed walking inside his room, Woojin abruptly grabbed his arm, tight enough Jihoon wouldn't feel pain.

 

"Remember this, Jihoon. You'll regret this, so much. Don't tell me I didn't warn you." Woojin loosens his grip as he gives Jihoon daggers of glares. "If you do change your mind, Jinyoung, after all, is always one call away."

 

Woojin leaves but not the burden inside Jihoon's heart he knows would be gone if he had just listened.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings (not anything applies to winkdeep): implied infidelity/cheating, sexual reference/implied sex, ultra minor mention of suicide
> 
> pls kill me.


	7. a grain of hope and pain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a 4k update out of annoyance and mild anger from today. u'll know honestly. btw there are supposed to be italicized words but copying it from my memo pad isn't working and im too lazy to edit it all out so bare with it .... pls... hope u could distinguish the character's thoughts and the narration even without the italicization
> 
> hmu on twt - @wnkdpkr. lets be mutuals bc i have no one except 4 haha :")
> 
> p.s. i love bunssodan so much

Nights like this are what Jihoon needs the most. It's eerie yet it brings him a wash of serenity, solely puring his soul from utter lethargy. This had been such a long month he couldn't cope up with how everything changes so fast in a glance. He's so damn tired yet he couldn't rest. He badly wants to shut his eyes off yet he couldn't sleep. In the end, all he does all night is to stare at the blankness of the night sheet overhead him, the faint stars winking at a distance as the wind in that one spring night splashes of a cold sensation on the both side of his cheeks.

  


His hands are lazily dangling on the edge of the window sill as his elbows are prompted on the cold metal. To say the fact that this is the first time he's gotten himself a big break from all the previous incidents tiring him out would be quite unbelievable but no one, only he, can say that it is, in fact, true.

  


The entirety of their living room is quiet and pitch dark. It's past eleven already yet Jihoon can't drag his feet back to his room and just wanted to stay close to the telephone beside him, undeniably yet he's somehow denied he's hoping for something or someone to make it alive again.

  


He had plugged the socket back to the electric plug a few hours ago and he's only a little disappointed no oneㅡor not a certain someoneㅡhad bothered ringing. He told himself he shouldn't be suprised anymore for it was his fault anyways. He'll have to endure the consequences of his actions.

  


In just 8 hours, he'll have to wake up once again just so he could go to his 3rd day at work at a mini convenience store down the alley. If he were to be honest, he didn't like having to work there. The stench of the sea salt lingers on his nose as soon as he gets inside. The store is approximately a few meters from the shore and that, rather, explains why. And then again, he'll have to endure. He and his grandmother had no one to depend on but only himself. His mother is still persistent on sending him some money but he brushes it all off, wanting to accept anything but from a person as dirty as her.

  


If someone would think Jihoon's being too harsh now, he wouldn't give two fucks about it. The loathe he feels for her is so undeniable and dangerous, the world would go on chaos at one mention of her nameㅡJihoon would rather fucking go deaf if he were to hear it again.

  


The remorse he feels wasn't like this back then. It was still safeㅡlike a child putting out a grudge against someone who stole his candy. It was, in a way, still tolerableㅡeasily smothered like the hues of yellow and orange burning in a single matchstick, could be killed at one whisper of the wind, at one blow of the mouth. It was as still like that until Jihoon deemed he waited for nothing.

  


His mother didn't bother spending even one night to visit to his father's wakeㅡlike they hadn't just spent their ten years with each other. She didn't even show up on the burial day at least.

  


And that was the thing Jihoon hate the fucking most, telling him she didn't care at all. He'd appreciate even at least a condolence if she were that busy but... there was none.

  


Jihoon's hatred grew of toxic blue flames, eating everything it sees, anything it could consume.

  


His knuckles turned white as the wind blows relentlessly, closing his fist to hold his anger. Jihoon knows his best at thisㅡbottling his feelings. He isn't one to explode it all out yet it's scary how one day all those grudges, pain, and anger that he feels would burst in a trance. And he doesn't like the idea.

  


The audible ticking of the clock is so loud, diverting his attention back to it. The short hand points at 12 whilst the long one at 5.

  


Happy Birthday to me...

  


Jihoon glances at the silent telephone lying against the neutral wall, a few meters away from him and sighs when he infers it's not going to ring any sooner. It's not like someone would call...

  


And then before he could turn back his attention to the swaying silhouettes of the trees outside, the telephone rings out loud, startling him in the process. Jihoon felt his heart pounding faster than it has ever before. He is not hoping it would be that someone he had been yearning for days but a little grain of hope would not hurt right?

  


Jihoon had never answered a call so fast like this before.

  


"H-Hello?" his voice comes out hoarse and he blames it to the cold temperature.

  


"J-Jihoon?"

  


"Oh," Jihoon hadn't meant to sound disappointed. "Haknyeon, hello." he tries making his voice a little bit happy.

  


"Happy Birthday! My Korean standard time-ass of a phone reminded me about it so I called. Perhaps, I wasn't disrupting your sleep or something?" Jihoon answers a "no" before Haknyeon could chuckle breathily. "Well, I've noticed you seemed disappointed, though. Were you expecting someone?" he teased which gave Jihoon a scowl on his lips.

  


He shakes his head. "I wasn't. Thank you, I guess. You were the first one to greet! I appreciate it, really."

  


Haknyeon hums.

  


"I heard you're in a tough situation now?"

  


Jihoon fondles his lips with the front of his teeth, numbling it as he ponders for an answer. Somehow, he's become speechless, not knowing what to reply. But he nods anyway and says, "Yeah, I've been finding endless jobs here in Sinan that would pay me good. It's quite tough but I think I can bear with it."

  


"Woojin had told me that too. And you're not even accepting their help. Seriously, Park Jihoon, your stubbornness wouldn't get you and your grandmother anywhere."

  


Jihoon sighs as he plays the hem of his sweater with the numbs of his fingers. "I've asked from them too much, and maybe I thought it's time for them to stop. Plus, father had left us his insurances and bank accounts under my grandmother's name so we'll survive, hopefully."

  


He could hear one hopeless, audible sigh coming from Haknyeon and it makes him feel bad.

  


"You're literally driving me nuts. Just, if you need something I'm here right?" Jihoon doesn't answer. "Anyways, so I heard about this Jinyoung guyㅡ" Jihoon freezes. "ㅡand Woojin's blabbering about him all day. If he hadn't told me the story, I would think that guy has hots for your boy."

  


"H-he's not my boy!" he stutters, earning a chuckle from Haknyeon. 

  


"That's not the point here." A stifle of laugh. "Anyways, as I was saying, what happened between you two? Why, why did you suddenly shut him out?" Jihoon presses his eyes close. It's the question he's been avoiding for days. "Woojin told me all about those and the situation, and I think it's best if you talk to him alright."

  


"Haknyeon..."

  


"I know you're better than this, Jihoon. Woojin said you're not smiling anymore these days and that, you're not the cocky, bratty Jihoon-ie anymore." Haknyeon cries. "Please bring our Jihoon back! Please bring him back! Bring him back! Bring him backㅡ"

  


"Alright, alright! Stop! Stop! Your voice is so loud, goddamnit."

  


Haknyeon chuckles and Jihoon could only frown. He never liked being teased at anyway.

  


"Just start talking to him again? I know it's not that easy but let things work out, Jihoon. It's for the best."

  


Jihoon just half smiles.

  


"Okay, I'm gonna end this call now. You might already want to sleep, no?"

  


"I'm okay,"

  


"Well, whatever. Sleep, you still have work tomorrow. And by the way we're coming home next week, bringing your favorite chocolates. Anticipate for it!"

  


"Thanks, Haknyeon-ah."

  


"No problem. Happy birthday and good night!"

  


"Good night..."

  


And just like that, the line between them dies and the place becomes steadily quiet once again. The hums of the wind is what Jihoon hears as the uncanny ambiance wraps him up. The trees sway aggressively, depicting of the strong wind slapping by. Jihoon had no one but the crickets. Just as he decided he'd proceed to bed, the short-lived stillness lives before it's broken by another loud ring of the telephone. Startled, he quickly picks up the call, the phone felt bitter to the touch.

  


"Hello?" Deep inside, Jihoon is sort of wishing it's a certain someone.

  


And no one really gets their wish, talking practically.

  


"Jihoon! Happy birthday!"

  


Jihoon snorts. "Woojin, thanks. But you could just go to my house to greet me."

  


"What do you mean? It's practically 12 midnight. I'm not allowed to go out."

  


"Right."

  


"Anyways, that's not actually the point I called you though."

  


"What is?"

  


Silence is shared between them for a while, with Woojin heedfully pondering what right words to say and then he starts with his name.

  


"Jinyoung..."

  


Jihoon hadn't intended to perk his eyes up at that but somehow and in some way, he still did manage to. He doesn't speak and only lets Woojin spurt what he has to say.

  


"Jinyoung told me he's going to Sinan for your birthday."

  


That made him stop on his tracks completely as he felt his heart starting to thump in a fast rhythym. The thoughts of Jinyoung coming to Sinan once again, the thoughts of seeing and meeting him for the first time... this time...

  


Yet Jihoon can't find himself to show up, can't find the will and the want to see him. He's suddenly dreading out of fear, and of doubtㅡnot to Jinyoung but to himself. Somewhere deep inside, he knows he'll fuck this up. He knows he'll run away and shut him up again.

  


But he wanted to. He wanted to meet Jinyoung. He wanted to see him and how he finally looked like in person. He wanted to know how tall the boy is, how his ears and cheeks would go beet red against the streaks of the sunlight, how delicate his face looked like. He wanted to hear how his real voice sounds like, to feel his presence around him.

  


Communicating with him through the telephone isn't always and never be enough. Jihoon, always, wanted to see more out of it, wanted to break the barrier that hinders him from meeting the real-life Jinyoung. Yet, does he have a heart to? Right now? Is he ready?

  


Jihoon, if possible, doubts himself more at that.

  


"Jihoon...? I told him you're working at a convenience store nearby the sea. I hope you're not mad."

  


Jihoon doesn't respond. He's overly speechless. He felt like someone had sucked his energy out of him. He's remained frozen, standing in a thin line between the state of reality and reverie. One wrong move, he'll fall to either side. And he doesn't want that, deemed not one is safe for him.

  


Then, where could he be safe?

  


"He says he'll go around the morning to meet you up, surely and carefully this time. Talk things out with him, okay? Good night and happy birthday again."

  


Woojin waits for him to answer but not even a small yelp or a hitch of breath did he hear. He smiles sadly at that before saying his goodbye to Jihoon. 

  


Jihoon is mindlessly and without a word staring at the monochromatic ceiling above him, hardly ever collecting his thoughts that run sluggishly inside his mind. He couldn't comprehend anything. The possibilities that may happen tomorrow disturb him, making him more anxious than ever. He stays silent and doesn't move an inch infront of the telephone pasted against the walls. The cold handle is still on his fingers as the wire is caught between the buttons of his shirt. Yet Jihoon can't find himself to settle, to care an inch at least.

  


He slumps his body off the sofa as he runs his fingers through the fabric of his hair, the telephone hanging lazily and closely to the ground. He presses his eyes close as he still feels the uneasiness breaking him whole. He decides if it'd be better to sleep it all off and just think of it first thing in the morning.

  


ㅡ

  


Jihoon didn't get to sleep.

  


There are bags under his eyes as soon as dawn cracks and the streaks of light trickled through the glass. The soft hums of the birds are heard as the rooster takes its daily habitual crow in the scenery. The sunrise always gives Jihoon a sense of tranquility, the sight of orange scattering in the once dark blue sky is serene yet he couldn't find himself to appreciate it.

  


How many hoursㅡor minutes, ratherㅡdid he get to sleep? His eyes would say 3 hours but his mind would protest a 30 minute. Jihoon would find himself agreeing to the latter. 

  


He gets up from sleeping in the couch as he hears some noises in the kitchen. He discerns his grandmother must've already been preparing for breakfast. He casually proceeds to the bathroom, bringing along a new set of fresh clothes and some hygienic needs, feigning as if he isn't just feeling dizzy.

  


Fuck off, Bae Jinyoung honestly.

  


The water cascades down in cue with his grandmother calling his name, telling him that breakfast had been readied. He shouts back a "Yes, grandmother!" before washing the soap off his body.

  


Jihoon had managed to wear his favorite crimson cardigan his father bought for him on his birthday last year, merely wanting to feel at least his father's still here to celebrate this special day with him. His grandmother smiled as she taps the cardigan with her palm, complimenting him along with his white shirt and black jeans, tightly hugging his thighs. He smiled back before joining her on the table.

  


There's a small bowl of seaweed soup at the center as there's laso grilled fish on the plate and barbeque meat at one side.

  


"Happy Birthday, Jihoon. I didn't get to prepare much and I'mㅡ"

  


"No, it's okay grandmother. This is fine, already. I... don't want to ask anything for more. This is enough."

  


His grandmother smiles, yet Jihoon doesn't know if it reached her eyes. "Well, if you insist."

  


A small talk was shared between them. His grandmother had asked when his school would start and he replies with a "It's, I think, less than 3 weeks?" he smiles sheepishly. "I honestly can't remember."

  


"Ask Woojin, he'll know for sure."

  


"I will."

  


Jihoon leaves right after he finishes his meal. He gives his grandmother a kiss on her cheeks before running all the way down the alley where his workplace is situated at.

  


The lazy drone of the television inside is what greets him first. Yoojung immediately spots him from the entrance door, waving her hand as Jihoon approaches. Jihoon smiles a little before going to the staff room to change his clothes into their dress code.

  


He clutches the white uniform with his hand, as he remembers Woojin telling him Jinyoung would want to see him today. There's still the on-going conflict raging inside him, doesn't know how to stay in a standstill. It circles in a gyre, flushing off all the rational thoughts he could possibly think of and leaving him with nothing but trepidation and staleness in mind.

  


Jihoon wants to cry yet he holds it back the moment he gets out of the staff room, seeing Yoojung holding the telephone in hand. She looked at him in confusion as she shakes the phone in her hand. He gave her a bewildered look before snatching it from her hand.

  


"The caller said it's Jinyoung, and he wanted to talk to you." she had said.

  


His Adam's apple bobs in an obvious manner as soon as he takes in a small gulp, very subtle yet still noticeable. He presses the telephone against his ear as his heart drums in anticipation and fear. It jitters inside, tickling him yet he couldn't find himself to feel good about it.

  


"Jihoon hyung? Hello? Are you there?"

  


Jihoon takes in a loud, sharp breath as he gingerly closed his eyes, wanting for the voice he had yearned to hear of engraved in his mind. He knows this is his Jinyoung, he knows his voice like at the back of his mind. It's dark yet Jinyoung's voice could still make his heart flutter that no one can.

  


He doesn't let himself respond, the terror is eating him.

  


"Jihoon hyung, listen." Jinyoung pauses. "I'm gonna have to explain a lot of things later but first, happy birthday, hyung. I wanted to tell you how sorry I am when I spoke of something I shouldn't have. I wanted to tell you how badly I regretted it, to the point you had to shut yourself up from me. I, I regretted it for a whole week. I felt like I was so selfish for pushing you to say things you didn't want, for urging you to tell everything to me when you clearly didn't want to. And for that, I felt really bad and had reflected with myself about it." 

  


No, Jinyoung. It wasn't your fault, it's mine. I'm a coward, I couldn't overcome my fears over my perceptions about love. I couldn't change it, and I'm afraid I won't ever get to.

  


Jihoon, so badly, wanted to speak, to purse his mouth to say something yet he stayed mum. Fucking shit, he really is a coward.

  


"I know you deserve more than an apology yet I couldn't find myself to give what you deserve." he hears Jinyoung choking up, stopping him from breathing. Damn, now he's made Jinyoung cry too. He sees Yoojung leaving him in the counter to give him privacy and he silently thanked her. He couldn't move for the telephone is stuck on the wall. "I decided then to show up as to apologize to you personally and wanting to make your day less worse. And I've been really wanting to tell you something too from the start. Do you want to know about it?" Jinyoung pauses yet Jihoon still doesn't answer. Jinyoung's voice cracks. "I-I'm on my way there through riding a subway, Jihoon hyung. If you forgive me, can you go to the seashore later? Please. If I don't find you there, i-it's okay. I, I accept it."

  


Jihoon immediately puts the phone down out of adrenaline. The blood in his veins gushes in a full force as he rushes to grab his personal stuff from behind the staff room. He could hear Jinyoung's voice still resonnating from the speakers yet he doesn't care. He has to get there soon. Yoojung gives him a confused and worried look yet she doesn't pry. Jihoon ignores her as he goes outside, rushing his way back to their house to get his bike.

  


His limbs pedalled its way to the train station which was a few meters away. He hopes he wouldn't miss Jinyoung coming down. The rusty wheels bumped against the rocky, basalt road as the squeaks of his old bicycle is pretty audible. The humid air washes his hair trickling off hazel highlights under the sun's radiation as his grip on the handlebar tightens, determination going fiercer than before.

  


He arrives in no time and he's safe to say it's the fastest he's done in his whole life as a bicycle rider. The train station is, as usual, jam-packed, full of people waiting for a ride to hop in. He parks his bike just against the wooden fence at the entrance and looks up the sign board to see the train from Seoul hadn't arrived yet and would be in 20 minutes. So Jihoon stills and waits.

  


When the train arrives, he stands up immediately as the passengers inside unboards one by one. He doesn't really care if he's getting desperate, asking every male he sees if their names are Bae Jinyoung. One by one had shook their heads, telling him they're not. The tears in Jihoon's eyes make the strangers pity him yet that's the only thing they could do anyway and Jihoon knows himself he doesn't need any of that.

  


Jihoon's sure he's asked every male that  had gotten out of the train so it puzzled him when not at least one was Jinyoung. Jinyoung couldn't be that fast to get out for Jihoon to miss him completely, right?

  


His arms fall dejectedly at his sides as his bicycle appears once more in his sight again, completely abandoned yet unbothered. Right, he still has the seashore. Jinyoung might've gone there already.

  


He takes a hefty ride to the place where Jinyoung was expecting him to be at. It's kind of far from the station yet it felt like only a minute had passed the moment he arrived at the place. The clamorous crashing of the sea waves greets him as the sea salt stench wanders inside his nose. He carelessly drops his bicycle at the side of a mountain of rocks as the light hazel sand soaks his feet. He trudges his way to the shore, looking left to the right to see if a certain somebody's there already. He finds none.

  


He advances his steps, searching if Jinyoung's already around. He goes to the cottages built nearby one by one, strangers glancing up at him. Some would greet him and he'd just smile back, not knowing what to say for he didn't even know them. (Jihoon wasn't kidding when he once told Jinyoung he's quite popular in the area)

  


He continues his search until his limbs had grown tired from walking. The sweat soaks some parts of his shirt as his cardigan is currently draped on his waist. He noticed the impending abundance of the sun's heat dawning on him. The waves crashed one by one as the early summer breeze fills up the atmosphere. It's calming yet Jihoon's quite panicking for he still couldn't find Jinyoung anywhere.

  


He had situated himself inside a cottage and decides he'd just wait for him. Maybe he had gotten the wrong train and Jinyoung hasn't still gone down?

  


08:15 a.m.

  


09:35 a.m.

  


10:53 a.m.

  


11:11 a.m.

  


12:00 p.m.

  


"You've been there for ages, Jihoon. Are you waiting for someone?" Justin, an acquaintance, inquires. Jihoon shakes his head at that but stays silent. He could hear Jung Jung as well as Euiwoong mumble something, maybe finding it weird Jihoon's not being usually talkative and being his cocky (in a good way) self.

  


Is that what people really always expect of me? Jihoon wants to chuckle yet he's so damn tired he opts not to. Everyone has had their bad days too. he sighs as he feels he's losing hope. Where the hell is Jinyoung now anyways?

  


He ponders to stay for a while since Jinyoung hadn't exactly mentioned what time he'll be coming. He stays as he waits for him, hopefully getting the peace Jihoon silently wanted to attain deep inside amidst the endless conflicts he'd been fighting off lately.

  


1:16 p.m.

  


2:05 p.m.

  


Jihoon waits. He still can. Even if his limbs are numbing. Even if his body is glistening with sweat already. Even if he knows Woojin might have been worrying already, he waits.

  


3:29 p.m.

  


4:52 p.m.

  


5:43 p.m.

  


"Mother! Look! Look! The sunrise is so pretty!" Jihoon hears a child gushing at the sunset burying itself in the horizon.

  


"Juyeon, it's a sunset, not a sunrise." the mother replies.

  


"Oh," the kid has his mouth gaping.

  


Indeed, sunsets are always fascinatingㅡmuch more than sunrises if you ask Jihoon. The billows above crazily blush into an orange tinge, with some hints of crimson hue at its edge. The baby blue background is suddenly being dominated by the fiery colors astounded by the sun yet here he is, not having the heart to spare a glance. His eyes, for how long he knows, still its stare at the seashore, now full of kids playing and families taking a leisure walk around. He's still hoping for a certain teenage boy to come around and look for him yet he finds himself slumping in disappointment.

  


Yet Jihoon stays still, because his birthday isn't done yet right? Jinyoung will come, he will.

  


6:43 p.m.

  


7:29 p.m.

  


8:46 p.m.

  


9:10 p.m.

  


10:23 p.m.

  


11:55 p.m.

  


Jihoon takes a final last glance at his wrist watch. The sun is already dead and the stars are twinkling for him. He sees the Polaris at a distance yet he avoids it as possible, not wanting to have faith on it anymore. He turns his back from the cold sea, his feet being buried at the sand as he walks away.

  


He didn't just... he didn't just wait for nothing, right? He didn't, yes. Jinyoung didn't just ditched him right? Jinyoung would not, and would never, he knows.

  


Jihoon wasn't successful on making a fool out of himself.

  


Maybe, he deserves this. Maybe Jinyoung has every right to ditch him, to not show up, to make him wait and anticipate something for nothing. Because he's a jerk, he's an asshole for shutting Jinyoung up from him. He's a worthless shit for hurting Jinyoung and that maybe why he couldn't sulk and make a fit about this, about what had just happened. Because he doesn't have the right to, because he knows it would be unfair to Jinyoung. So he deemed it'd be best to remain shut from now on.

  


12:00 a.m.

  


Jihoon leaves the area, heart heavy and hot tears welling up at the corner of his eyes. He shouldn't cry, he knows he shouldn't because it would be unfair to Jinyoung. But then he starts to wail, like that of a baby. He doesn't care if someone hears him, doesn't seem to mind if someone's watching him. His knees fall down on the ground as his bicycle drops with a loud thud. He clutches it with his hands for dear life as his cries are muffled and echoing in the solemnly empty streets.

  


He feels terrible and so, so alone. This is what Jihoon's scared the most about. All the pent up frustrations... heavy grudges clogging his heart... the painful regrets... his father... Jinyoung...

  


This is the saddest birthday he's ever had, sadder than when Woojin forgot to greet him some years ago, sadder than when no one had managed to buy him a present, sadder than when his mother wasn't already there to celebrate it with him...

  


His sight goes into a blur before he could even stand on his toes once again.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a lil late happy bday to juyeon kek
> 
> twt - @wnkdpkr


End file.
